My story.... and what the hell happened?
I'm sure so many of you have been where I was this past summer, in a relationship for getting close to 5 years, and there were signs that he wanted OUT. Every time the talk of where is this headed? Will I forever be the girlfriend? Am I not good enough to be the wife, even though I was much better in so many ways than the deceitful woman he had married, and now divorced for quite a while.... well part of the issue was it was a part time relationship. I saw him every other weekend, that's the way it started... actually we became friends first, even though he wanted to date me. He was going through a divorce and I said I won't date until the divorce is final. So, we spent time as friends, for months. He was upset that I did date a little. I was still trying to keep my social life and wasn't looking for anything with him. I really wasn't! And then my social life started to be more spent with him than anyone else.... I knew I liked him, and I met him the old fashioned way, not the brutality of online dating.... but like I said I liked him, but heard he was married, and then he told me all the details of his dysfunctional marriage. The divorce hadn't actually been filed yet, he gave me information and I'm the one who told him, your wife is cheating on you... he didn't want to believe it. Sorry, women who love their family (yes family, there were 2 kids also) don't continue to go out to the bar days on end, and come in drunk at 4 am. Of course there were lies, she was with her friends.... anyway. I suggested counseling, for him to ask her to go to counseling, because he wanted to save his marriage-why after everything he told me I will never know ! I was trying to be the friend, and guide him in what I thought was a good direction. So they went to counseling, maybe twice, and she decided she wasn't going any more. I told him, it's because she has found someone else she wants to be with, and has been being with, so she's done. It sucks, it hurts, welcome to the world of rejection, and divorce! I suggest he continue to go to counseling, find a counselor just for himself, but that never happened. This I do believe was part of the problem, of our relationship. I am older, and I hate to say it but wiser when it comes to this stuff. I was married for 16 years the first time, and that's another story.... and then married again for a few years to a man I dated for a couple of years, and that's another story. Aren't you excited to hear all these stories, later ?
Well let's speed things up a bit, the divorce was filed, she moved to her parents to continue her affair, oh and she left the kids behind with him, my guy. Then she came home on some weekends and told him he needed to go somewhere else so she could spend time with their kids. Which never really happened, think she just wanted away from the parents. So, being the nice person I am, asked if he would like to come to my house some weekends. Stay in my guest room. He was happy I asked. But of course I said AS FRIENDS. So that is how my story with Mr. S. started. We were friends, he came over on maybe a Sat, we hung out, he maybe helped me with a project around my house, go visit my kids, and grand kids (yup remember I'm older than him) made meals together, watched movies (he was a big movie buff) we both had good memories for movie lines. And that's why I liked him, and he liked me, one reason we had common ground. He would bring over movies to watch and cherry wine, which was home made. I love cherry anything. His grandparents owned a cherry farm which was up north, and that's where the cherries came from for the wine. Years later, we would go there together and pick them. Being from up north myself, I loved going. We would sit and talk for hours, we had a lot of things in common. He knew I was 12 years older than him, but he said it didn't matter. He was grey already, and no one ever thought there was the age gap between us. Things seemed good between us. Months went by, and he was still coming over every other weekend, and we talked everyday, getting to know each other. I was proud of myself for actually getting to know a man as a friend first, and not jump into a relationship! We both thought there was a reason we met when we did. We talked of that often. I believed God put us together, for why, time would tell. He didn't talk of God the way I did. He was raised in a home where they didn't pray, or ever go to church. His mother pretty much ran the show and he was told what he could do. He couldn't play sports, especially football-he might get hurt, he couldn't get a motorcycle-he might get hurt, he couldn't be in scouts, believe she didn't have the time to help. Just a lot of what he couldn't or shouldn't do. I am not saying she was a bad mom, I respected her very much. She was a good mom, she loved her kids very much. However, being very overprotective didn't help him in his adult life. We need to let our kids get hurt! That's LIFE! This man was now in his 40's going through a divorce, and he was so hurt, he couldn't seem to move on with his life. I continued to be the friend that he needed, and like I said my social life with other men really wasn't happening much any more. I started to give so much of my time to him. I continued to suggest counseling, but it didn't happen. Not only did the divorce get delayed, due to money issues-which were her fault, so I did not become anything such as a girlfriend for a while. Now that I have had time away from him, I ask myself.... did I truly love him, or did I settle for him, because I got tired of the dating scene? I still struggle with that. Yes, I did come to love him, and when he did tell me he was crazy in love with me, I remember it like yesterday. It was before Christmas and he made me home made chocolate cherries. Remember I love cherry anything ? He bought me gifts, and I had went to his work Christmas party a few weeks before. He had bought me a dozen roses thanking me when he picked me up for that party. I was impressed and felt special for that moment. It's not that men hadn't bought me flowers, they have, but it was the tears in his eyes, and I could feel the love and appreciation he felt for me. He was thankful that I had been there as his friend. I tried to get him to think about what he really wanted in life, and to do some of the things he enjoyed, that he didn't get to do while he was married. I wanted him to take time to get to know himself, after marrying in his 20's and having a family as well, he didn't take the time to do for himself, to make himself happy. There it is folks..... something that is so important to do! So many of us don't.... we jump into a relationship, a marriage, and expect the person we are with to take care of us, and make us happy. If there is something I have learned after 2 marriages, and a few relationships, and counseling. it doesn't happen that way! We can not rely on anyone but OURSELVES to make us happy. We all should have time, to get to know who we are, what we want, make goals, have dreams, before we say I DO. Yes, there will be goals and dreams that as a couple you can make together, but I believe each person should have in their mind what they want and strive for that. A lot of times we marry someone and we throw out our goals, and dreams. I know, I did it! And I continued to do it. I was always trying to please someone else before myself. This is how I believe today...God first, and then everything else. Well back to Mr. S. I really wanted him to take time and think. It didn't happen that way. I suggested he meet other people, especially women and see who was out there. He had spent most of his free time with me. I saw it coming, I was a comfort zone for him. When he told me he was "crazy in love with me" I truly believed he was. I knew I loved him, and told him so. But my mind questioned my heart again, as to was I ready to get into another relationship? Of course I told myself I did it the way I wanted to this time. After ending a relationship a couple of years before meeting Mr. S, I told myself no more relationships so quickly.... get to know someone for a while, date a while, see how i feel.... we were friends first, so I thought I was ready.... my question should have been... was HE????
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