It's Been a LONG Winter

                         
          It's been a LONG winter..... I'm so ready for Spring

I turned the heat back on this morning.  It's been nice not having to have it on, because it has been warming up.  Crazy Michigan weather though, one day it's 70 and sunny next day it could be 40, and rain.  I expect rain in April.  Remember April showers bring May flowers.  My flowers have been in shock a few times.  Coming out earlier, I'm sure they are saying WTH if they could talk, lol.  I love seeing flowers coming out in the spring.  It's a sign of a new beginning.   I need to constantly focus my self on a new beginning.  What to do for myself?  What changes should I make?  Where to go, what to do, and with who?  

I went back on Match.com, a few weeks ago, they gave me a $20 a month deal.  So I thought, I'll do it for 3 months.   Just see who is out there.  Oh boy.  I almost want to give up again.  

So, I thought I might of met the right guy, just through the messaging on the site. We started communicating a couple of weeks ago.  We were a match, and he reached out to me.  Told me I was beautiful, he liked my smile.  That's the way to get the girl going.... right ?  Well, he had one of his photos with an older dog.  Of course I'm an animal lover, and usually attracted to men that are also.  We chatted about his dog, who is 13, and having some health issues.  I told him I could totally understand, having lost my faithful friend Koda, over 2 years ago.  We chatted every morning for a few minutes, before we both went to work.  Found out he worked from home since covid, for a packaging company.  I was hoping of course he was a contractor.  I'm always attracted to men who really work.  You know work boots and shorts.... well in the summer of course.  Oh anyway, after all this morning chatter, I suggested we meet at Horrocks, for an easy going date.  He liked the idea, and we were each about half hour drive if we met there.  He wanted to meet last Saturday, however I had already made plans.  So we decided to do it today.  Until I get an early morning message that he has to cancel.  And forgive him, but he can't.  It's not me he said.  WTH is going on?  No explanation.  The message was so damn confusing.  Here it is:  Hi Debi.  I really apologize but I am not going to be able to meet you today.  I am very sorry.  It's not you.  I'd still like to meet you but I won't be able to.  Please forgive me.  So I think it means he still wants to meet, but just not today.  I wrote him back, saying I was confused.  You would still like to meet me but won't be able to? You will never meet me, or just can't meet today?  I know a lot of times he has typos, and I'm usually pretty good at figuring them out.  But this has thrown me a bit.  

I was really looking forward to meeting him.  I haven't met anyone in a while now, let's say since last summer.  I took that break again after being let down.  The last guy a very cute younger Italian, really just wanted someone to have sex with.  Well, not what I am looking for.  Another guy I met in June was such an narcissistic asshole, so full of himself. I'm just tired of wasting my time and energy to do this. 

What was I thinking going back on yet another dating site?  I really would just like to meet someone the old fashioned way.  You can be anyone through a computer.  That's why I decided I would only chat with someone for a week or two, and then make a plan to exchange phone numbers, maybe do a few texts, and real phone calls.  Then meet, in person.  That's how you know if you have the right chemistry.  Attraction-physical, emotional, spiritual, intellectual.  I have lost track on how many of these men the last few months turn out to be fakes.  That's mostly on Tinder, or Facebook dating.  Not a paying site like Match.  I end up blocking them, and not looking back.  

Why is it so difficult in this day and age to find decent human beings to date ?  I had really thought the match guy could be a good fit.  We have so much in common.  I was excited thinking that it might work out.  Of course any friend I told, which were only a couple, and my daughter, and my sister were cheering me on.  I know they all want me happy.  I am not unhappy being alone.  Actually most days I enjoy my own company.  As I have said before though, it would be nice to have a man in my life.  Then I get messages like the one this morning.  And it all comes crashing down again.  Why bother?  

The thing is I do have men interested in me.  I could probably go with my old boyfriend Scott, and he would want me as a girlfriend in a heartbeat.  I don't feel that way about him anymore.  That feeling went away a long time ago.  He didn't treat me like he should of when we were together.  Come to find out, he was still somewhat playing the field back then, thinking he was Mr. Somebody.  His sister also told me this, and he did too.  He's apologized over and over.  It's just difficult to trust someone like that again.  I don't like that he smokes too much.  I detest smoking.  He drinks a bit too.  He doesn't have the best health, and now that he is almost 62, it's catching up with him.  He had a girlfriend for 10 years, he broke it off with her like 2 years ago.  His sister told me he was never really happy with her, and he always wanted me back.  Men get older and realize they don't want to be alone.  The playboy days are ending, and they want someone to come home to.  For them, I don't feel it's the same way as for women.  We seem to want more.  We want someone to still enjoy what we have in life to do.  And yes, someone to come home to as well.  However, who is doing all the cooking every night, and the laundry, and cleaning the house while he sits and watches football, or hockey, or baseball, whatever.  Is he going to have dinner ready for you?  The laundry done, and house cleaned ?  Is he going to plan a weekend getaway?    Or is it all on us, the women in the relationship?  I'm not saying they aren't good men that do help around the house, that share in the household responsibilities.  They are just few and far between.  I'm not sure about Dan, who I used to work with, we are friends, and he does want us together.  He is younger, which I like, but he's still out of state in Wisconsin.  He is trying to get a good job in Michigan to move back.  Not giving up on that, but time will tell.  

So, I am waiting for this man who cancelled our date to respond to me.  He is on the site right now, and I sent a reply.  This is where I am always thinking, oh he's looking for someone else.  Someone prettier, better than me.... STOP it I have to tell myself.  This is what happens.  But I've got to get myself out of that mindset.  I've got plenty to do at home.  I was making the time available to meet him.  Then I start thinking is this yet another emotionally unavailable man ?  I had one of those.  That's why I started doing this blog.  After almost 5 years with Andy.  He was such a coward in life.  Was so emotional, worse than a woman.  I loved him, and it might of worked out.  But his marriage proposal to me was like this as we were on our way to Walmart.  Him:  Do you want to go to Medawar's? ( this is a jewelry store, across the street from Walmart.)  We had been discussing where our relationship was going.  I already had a promise ring, which I had asked for the year before and I had got him a really nice bracelet he liked, that I had engraved.  He couldn't make up his mind what he wanted with us.  It was over 4 years.  His kids were growing up.  He didn't need to stay in the house he hated, that his ex wife picked.  There were so many bad memories.  We could find another house, together, closer to his parents in the country.  Well, guess he had done a little thinking, and on the trip to Walmart, is when he asked about going to the jewelry store.  He wanted me to get the ring I had told him I really liked.  I told him, NO, go to Walmart.  I've thought somedays maybe I should of said yes, let's go get the ring.  It probably would of come crashing down, as it spicy, really did, when his mom died suddenly.  He was a wreck.  He drank almost every night after work, would call me drunk.  And a week after my 60th birthday, drunk, he wanted to break up.  Which I agreed was best.  Then he back peddled.  I was going to break up with him, before his mom died.  I realized nothing I could do was going to fix this broken, unhappy, grieving man.  He hadn't even gotten through the divorce years before.  I had asked him to go to counseling, but he never made that step.  So in hindsight, I probably did what was right, for ME.  

I do miss him, our friendship mostly.  

Well the match.com guy wrote back basically saying the same thing with no real explanation.  Here's what he said. " Sorry, I just can't meet today.  I still want to meet you.  Again, I am really sorry. "  I even wrote back asking if he's ok, if his dog is ok.  That's me, always giving people the benefit of the doubt.... he said everything is OK.  but still no explanation.  So, now what?  Should I just move on.... it's not like he's the only one interested.  The fact is there are  a lot of men interested in me.... however I am not in them.  I have to be attracted, physically first.  Need to have things in common.  This man is Conservative, and believes the same way I do.  Is Christian, loves his dog, many of the same activities we both like.  So, I just say, Oh well, Deb...... do what I need to today.  It's colder again, only going to be 45.  I have plenty to do at home, as I always do on a weekend.  

Another thing going on with me is my health.  I finally went back to the dr a couple of weeks ago.  I try to stay away as much as possible these last few years.  I do not seem to have much faith in them anymore, since covid.  They push way too many drugs.  I am not doing any vaccines.  None, nada.  Too many side effects, even death.  I feel that I've stayed more healthy not seeing them.  I had to go back because my blood pressure is high again.  I was experiencing dull headaches for days.  I blew it off thinking it's this damn weather.  Well, I am glad I went.  My blood pressure was Way High.  So, I am now on yet another med along with the one I've been on for the past 6 years.  It is normal most days now.  I am checking it every morning, and going back soon, to bring my blood pressure machine to see how accurate it is.  My cholesterol is borderline on high.  They also wanted to give me a drug for that.  Which I agreed, but temporarily.  I am trying to eat healthier, which I've been trying to do for months.  I keep a journal of everything I eat, my mood that day, the activity-exercise I've done.  I've been doing this since Jan.  I realize this is life after 60..... I've been blessed for the most part regarding my health.  Hardly ever sick.  I do have a stomach issue, but that is mostly food related.  I watch what I eat.  Can't really do fried, greasy, fast food, rich, spicy, too much butter, or cheese.  I take a lot of vitamins, especially since covid.  I try to get exercise.  Some days after cleaning houses though, I am tired.  I guess I only gained 6 pounds in the last 7 years.  Well it feels like 20.  I've tried intermittent fasting.  It did work.  I lost a few pounds a couple of years ago. I can't go without my coffee with cream in the morning though.  I can not do black coffee!  I maybe can do green tea, which I have been doing some of, but coffee is like my friend, my morning comfort.  I've been doing smoothies for weight loss, and it's helped a little.  I only eat breakfasts on the weekends.  I plan my meals better.  That's enough boring talk.  

You know, I watched old re-runs of Sex and the City the past few weeks, damn I love that show.  It's not for everyone though.  Women in the 30's sexual encounters, and about the friendship they share.  I thought, I really miss the friendship I used to have with girlfriends.  I know life has changed, a lot the past 20 years.  Things always do.  I want to still have fun, it doesn't have to include men.  One of my friends has completely walked away from our time together.  She has gotten involved with another man, the one that actually treated her not so good a year ago.  That's her situation.  She is someone that just has to have a man, it seems.  Her health isn't good, and I think she's afraid to be alone.  It's disappointing.    I am not that woman.  I've been alone for the most part the last few years.  Even though I was engaged, and seeing someone a year after.  I was still here at my own house, by myself.  Yes, It was nice that I had someone.  Neither one of those men were right for me, and I realized that.  

I am the Carrie on Sex and the City.  The writer, I have always wanted to be a writer.  I might really think on this.  I am the romantic still.  I don't want a lot of men, like Samantha.  I want one man.  I want a best friend.  I want coffee on Sunday morning, and enjoy the sunrise.   I want a cuddle buddy on a cold night.  

I don't know where he is.  As always I ask God to bring the right man.  Maybe it's not that time yet.  I did mention I'm over 60.... 

I pray you have a great day!  I'm staying off the dating site today.  It's just making me bitter again.  I don't want to feel like that.  I am going to enjoy my day, even if it is doing laundry, cleaning the house, etc.  I know I am blessed in many ways.  I will not complain, and look forward to other adventures that haven't happened yet.  

Take care, thanks for reading !  Debi  : )-