Positive Communication with yourself and others

Do you read self help books???  Every time I was going through something, seems like a bought a new book.  Of course now a days you can get e books.  I remember if I was going through a break up or seeing someone and wanted advice or thought I could help him in some way, I'd get a book.  I would then bury myself in reading usually at night before bed, and sometimes on a weekend with coffee.  I have given books to friends hoping to help them.  I still read, I enjoy it, not just self help, true stories, and fiction, also some biography stories.  Of course we get a lot of our information now from social media especially Facebook.  I  realize that it's like the morning paper.  When I wake up after starting the coffee of course, I log into Facebook to see what's going on with friends and the world around us.  These new phones too, modern technology are the shit.... you can get your weather,  it can remind you what you need to do (love that)  share photos, shop ( too much of that can be dangerous) get concert tickets, (Yay, going to one Feb 17)  can give you directions (where were we without this?, ah, LOST)  use it as a calculator,  cookbook,  track your health, play music (love my itunes) find gas prices, pay bills, look up movies, and stars, workout, news,  and not really communicate by voice but by TEXT....  oh and yes how can we not mention the wonderful dating sites!  So we can make sure we see who ever likes us, before we get home to our computer..... I'm guilty of this also!   Does it matter how many books we read?  Does it help us in any way find the right person who we are supposed to be with ?  I'd hate to think I spent all that time reading, to find out later, it doesn't matter, at all..... but I believe it does!   So, I have gradually been reading again.... there are more books that are not in this photo.... and what about the ones my crazy friend Char gave me like "How to seduce a man and keep him seduced"  "Older women, younger men" and Cougar... that's just to name a few.... those to me seem to all be more about good ole SEX than anything!  Yes, that is part of a relationship, however I am no longer 30.... I want communication in other ways as well.  Too many times people, me included jump into bed without really knowing if you REALLY like someone.... sure sex is great, if they know what they are doing.... I can think of some who I swear  knew nothing.... Is that it???  Tim McGraw said it best in one of his songs, "theres a difference in sleeping with someone and sleeping with someone you love"   the older you get, the more you want.... You want someone to talk to, to share morning coffee with, to make meals with, watch a movie on a rainy day,  ride a bike, kayak, take a walk,  stargaze, lay on the beach with,  share a bottle or two of wine,  and the entire time of doing anything,  COMMUNICATE!   Talk, and talk some more, and listen, really listen.... open your heart and hear what is really being said.  I have learned that there are a lot of damaged people in this world, and some really want to share their story, and understand why they are the way they are.  Some are not willing to share very quickly, and that's alright,  not everyone is an open book.  I'm an open book for the most part, but we all have things we don't want to discuss, not right away, maybe not ever.   Very few people know my inner most secrets, hardly any men, I've ever been involved with.    In order for true communication with any other human being,  you need to think before you speak.  Are they going to judge me and what I am telling them?  Are they still going to like me?  Am I still going to like them?  I find there are some things you should discuss and then leave them there.... past relationships especially.   We all have a past, and if you are over 30 most have been in some kind of relationship.    The last man I dated seriously for years spoke of his ex wife all the time.  I remember him talking about her in front of my friends he just met, which they were not happy about, and didn't want to invite us to spend time with much anymore.  He said he just wanted to tell them his story.  Not everyone needs to hear your story.  You can give them the basics, yes, I'm divorced, she cheated, etc.  and then Move On!  This behavior can destroy a relationship before it really gets started.  I am terribly guilty of this as well.  I went to a party a week ago with a man that is a friend, not sure it will ever be anything else, but we enjoy each other's company.  He had told me of a street he lived on years ago, and I knew the street because I had briefly dated someone who lived on that same street.  I mentioned his name, but couldn't remember his last name, not until the drive home.  I had some drinks, and it came to me, so I told him, and he said NO he didn't know him.  I might of mentioned my ex boyfriend that night as well.  It's been about 6 months of not seeing or speaking to him (that's probably another post) to in some ways after almost 5 years of being with the same person, it happens.  Well, my friend called me out.  He said you seem to talk of these ex's  it's just an observation.  I thought about that, and he was right.  And I know I did it in my last relationship.  I barely spoke of the two men that had been my husband, but through all the years with him, I know men I had dated came up now and then.   If you read my post on  Mr Blue Eyes, the great guy I walked away from, I know I had mentioned him because there is an actor that reminds me of him so much, and he would be on some shows/movies that my ex Mr S and I would watch.  I would just say that guy looks like  my old boyfriend...  well one day Mr S told me, well if you would of stayed with him, then you wouldn't of met me!  And he always told me how he thought we were meant to be together.  So confusing to me,  now, as I sit here alone drinking coffee, without him.     So the moral of my story is.... be careful of what you say to a new man.  Tell your girlfriends anything and everything, and let them do the same!  but keep those in your past, in your past.   It really can damage something that could possibly be good..... 

So what about those self help books?  They all have great information, and maybe someday I might write a book, but I think it would be more about my life than just relationships.  this blog is something that I've wanted to do for months, just because.  It is kind of therapeutic to write.  I have kept a journal forever.  I think I first started as a teenager.  You know you had to write about the puppy love you met at the lake.  When I went to counseling going through my first divorce after 16 years of marriage, the counselor suggested a journal.  To her surprise I told her how I have done this through the years.  I will have to admit though, having 4 kids to raise, a job, church responsibilities, attending my kids athletic events, running a household, which I did all the cleaning, shopping, finances, etc.... and sometimes actually more than that, feeling like I was the only parent even though there was another one who lived there, I seemed to not keep up on my writing in a journal.  I did write here and there, especially when I was mad, and feeling down, asking God if this is all there is to life?  Years later I would realize that I settled for that life, and yes, there can be more, so much more, but that was up to ME.   

These books I have help me, strengthen me when I'm weak, and feel like I don't want to burden my friends (especially those that might be in a good relationship).   I have learned a lot from reading, and continue to.  It's uplifting to know I am not alone with the way I feel.  There are so many men out there that really don't know how to love us the way we want.  I told my daughter about a man she spent 9 years with, he doesn't know how to love you they way you need.  This is it, either accept it, and tell him what you need, or move on.  Some of these men will never be accepting of the change they need to make to be in a good relationship.  I believe due to the high divorce rate, especially when the men walk out on their wives and children, that these boys are unaware of how they are treat a girl !  I'm not saying all fathers are like that.  There are fathers who are divorced and try to teach their sons and daughters how to respect each other, and love someone.  But then there are those who abandon their kids,  they are too busy being with other women and have no time to spend on their kids.  It happens a lot.  I know it happened to my family.  However, I believe that a mother can make a difference.  I tried.  I did take my kids to church, and tell them I did not want them to be like their father, they were better than that.  I also went through some horrible times where I was not the best mother, due to going through my own self esteem issues, and feeling like I wasn't anyone unless I was dating someone.  Which was so wrong of me!  It didn't last too long, thank God.  I feel horrible for doing that, and I have always tried for years to make it up to them.  They are forgiving, however I tried to explain, that I was young when I had my first child, I was 17, yes an unwed mother.  I didn't even know myself at that age.  And now there was a baby to take care of.  I lived with my parents-mom and step dad, and two sisters.  I had my grandma who meant the world to me, and my wonderful aunt Sally, who was like a mom to me, and other family and friends to help me with my son.  While other friends were going off to college, I was working, and taking care of my child.  I did go to college years later, but never finished with a degree.  My son's dad was always in trouble, so I really didn't want to be with him.  I wanted more for my life.  But my life drastically changed having a child so young in life.  My mom couldn't have more children after having us 3 girls, so she really was in love with my son.  She made me responsible for him, completely, though.   Yes, she helped but if he cried during the night, she would wake me to care for him.  It didn't matter that I needed sleep to go to work the next day, this was part of being a mother.  Well, I know having this experience so young,  hindered me on the right choices of men in my future.    My aunt was always the one there for me to talk to, about any man I dated.   And you know when you have children the next man you choose has to accept them.  And that can be a problem, right there.  I matured more while growing up with my son.  

My self esteem wasn't there though.... even though I was a very popular girl in school, I was pretty, fun, always had a guy, friends, I got pregnant in high school!  My last year.  I always got good grades, I was and still am a smart woman when it comes to learning.  But I lacked the self confidence I needed to have a healthy good relationship.  We need to tell our young women that they need to read these crazy self help books!  Keep a journal of how they feel, to believe in God,  think about what they are doing when it comes to men.... if they are not ready emotionally to even date, then don't!  Get to know WHO YOU ARE FIRST!  Write down what you want your life to be like.  Do you want a career, and if so what do you want to do?  What are you God given talents?  Can you make a career of using them ?   
If you choose to date, and meet someone,  make a pro/con list.    Sounds crazy but really, do it.  What are his good attributes?  and what are the negatives?  What are the deal breakers, you know those things you just can not accept?  One of mine is smoking, I hate it, it's disgusting, and many of my family died of lung diseases from cigarettes.  It makes your teeth yellow and your breath smell.  Gross...sorry,  didn't mean to go on a tangent there.... 
And ladies, it doesn't matter how old you are to take this advice I just gave.  If you are a single woman, Stop and think about what you are doing.   I wasted way too many of my years giving my time and energy  to men who didn't deserve me!   

Read the books, ebooks, real books,  take a class if it makes you better.  Sure go have fun with your friends, go out dance like a fool, drink wine.... but just remember who you are and where you are going from here.    Yes they say you learn from your mistakes, but why do we have too make so damn many before we really learn ???   

Enjoy your life.... You are here for a reason, believe in yourself, trust in God, get to know him also, surround yourself with positive, supportive people who love you for you.   I'm on this journey with you!