Would of, could of, should of
A lot of us do, especially after a break up. We are afraid to get back out there in the dating world. It's a scary place. It's even scarier if you are over 50. This has been a difficult couple of years for me. Losing a job, struggling with issues that the job caused, dealing with the ex-employer and 4 different work comp lawyers. Not knowing anything of the process, being yelled at by my last lawyer who was to be one of the best in Michigan. Although he is now in his 70's and from his behavior I believe he needs to retire. It was so frustrating for the last two years dealing with all of this. I wanted to go to Florida to see my friend Mary who moved there, I missed out on a trip to Mexico, and other things I wanted to do. Why? because my life was on hold. Every time I turned around there was a postponed hearing, and another hearing. Oh and talk about all the paperwork they made me do, it was crazy. And then, the man I was involved with for close to 5 years walked away. I wasn't shocked, that much. I had asked numerous times about taking a break, and him thinking about what he really wanted in life. Because obviously it didn't seem to be me! Even though he had told me that I was the best girlfriend he had ever had. Cards that he gave me always thanking me for being there always, and so understanding, and listening, and loving him through it all. Yes, I did that. I tried my best. I tried to help him in any way I could. And every year I would ask, if we would ever be truly together. We had the part time relationship, every other weekend. I was fine with that for quite a while. I did realize however, that I wanted more. It was after I lost my good job with the benefits, the retirement, I thought the stability. I had been there almost 13 years and was a good employee. Only to have a new CEO, change everything, not only for me but a lot of other long term employees. It was a nightmare. I experienced my first panic attack in my life, driving to work and realized I was low on gas, and thought I might run out. The ex and I had used my car all weekend and we did not get gas. I always made sure I had plenty of gas to go to work out of town. Anyway, we forgot. So, I didn't leave any earlier to get to work, so I really didn't have time to stop on the way. I could of, if I would of had the good boss I had for the first 11 years of my employment there. I could of called and said I will be late, and would take vacation or personal time for it. But not the new awful boss, who was trying to write me up for anything. Wrote me up for being late in the winter, when there was accidents on the highway due to bad winter weather. Everyone was late that day! It was ridiculous. This was one of the things the CEO was having managers do, to fire you. Well, I wasn't feeling well, and thought I need to pull over and get off the highway. I felt my head hurting so bad, my chest was tight, and I knew I had high blood pressure and thought I need checked out. To hell with that boss, this is my life! I went to the gas station, got gas, and texted the witch of a boss. Told her I wasn't feeling well and was going to my doctor. All I got back from her was OK. My nice former boss would of asked, what's wrong, are you OK? and genuinely care about me. Not this one. I called my doctor they couldn't get me in and suggested I go to ER. Which I did. Well they got me right in when I told them of my symptoms. My blood pressure was sky high, I could of had a stroke! They did two EKG's and my heart was ok. The doctor came in to talk to me, and asked what was going on in my life. I explained what was happening at work, and she told me I was in a hostile work place. Wow, that was the 4th doctor that told me that in the last few weeks. She said she thinks I experienced a panic attack, and yes my blood pressure was extremely high. Make sure I stay on my blood pressure meds, and she gave me an anxiety medication. Also wrote a prescription for more. I explained other things I had going on, the stomach ache, nervousness, worry, yes headaches, and fatigue. I needed to get out of that job, because the people such as the CEO, and witch boss were causing this. My life had been going along fine before this. I liked my job, met some wonderful coworkers, it was a good place to work, and I planned to stay until I retired. I had got this job in Sept 2002, and moved out from my 2nd husband, and later filed for divorce. For years I waited tables, and was a bartender to make ends meet when I was still raising my teenage daughter. With all the kids gone, I didn't work doing that any more, just this job. I had worked on my credit and bought my own home, an almost brand new car, and had credit cards. I thought I was in a good relationship, I felt secure. Then my entire world crashed. For a month or so, I was in a holding pattern with work. They were saying they didn't agree with what my doctor had to say, and without having to go through my medical history here, they had me draw all my 5 weeks vacation and stay home. And finally said we will give you 3 month severance pay, but you are no longer efficient enough to work for us.... this was due to the carpal tunnel in my hands, which they had caused...what a joke! My lawyer at that time said don't take the severance, I immediately filed for unemployment, and had access to what retirement was in my account. Well, I did what I had to do to get by..... anyway. Life can change from moment to moment. There are no guarantees on anything. But dying, we are all going to die. We don't know when, or how. but that is the only thing we know. I am so thankful that I have my faith. I do not know where I would be without it, probably having a nervous breakdown! I had always been a positive person, but I was being tested. That was just a job, but it was the way I paid for everything. I had no man to rely on to help me. Yes, he might of helped me a little here and there. He did say to me, why don't you just move in with me, and not deal with your house, etc. What the hell? Move in to another town, and let my life go? I told him it took me a long time to get where I am. Two divorces to men who really didn't deserve me, a few relationships, working two jobs for years to support my kids, and self, working on my credit enough to buy my own home and car, and stand on my own feet? To just give in like that, and move in with him, when he didn't really even know what he wanted ? Then where would I be??? I wasn't going to let another man control my destiny. I loved him, but he didn't love himself. He was unhappy in his life, and I couldn't fix his situation. I wished I could of. He was in pain, emotionally. He feared everything he told me a few times. I told him life is short, don't be the one who says " I would of, could of, should of". Do what you need to be happy. No relationship will work out if two people are not on the same page in life. And we weren't. We enjoyed being together, but we really did not do the things we needed to, like take a vacation. go on more road trips, enjoy more things in life. I kept trying to get him out of his comfort zone. No matter what I did though it wasn't enough. Believe me when I say this..... don't waste your life trying to fix other people's unhappiness. You will lose your time being with them, and end up not being happy yourself. I don't care how positive of a person you are. If there is negativity in a relationship it will gradually seep it's way to you. And that's what happened. With the way my world was from all of this, I started to feel miserable inside. I tried to smile and say everything was OK, but I knew it wasn't. I had friends encouraging me to stay positive, that I had God, and things would be alright. There were moments I broke down and cried, wishing I had my aunt to talk to. She always made everything better. I could rely on her to lift me up. A year or so later I went to a spiritual reader and she told me that my aunt and grandma were around me, and had been. I think she was right. I know that God has not left me. He knows where I am, and what I need to feel whole again. I'm better than I was, but I'm not completely there, but I am working on it. My case settled a while ago, I got other jobs and income to pay bills. My financial is doing OK, now my emotional. They say God doesn't put you through any more than you can handle. Huh, he must think I'm pretty strong. I also lost a sister two years ago to cancer, which came upon her quickly. She was in another state living, as she has for 40 years. The last time I saw her was when my other sister passed from cancer 3 years before. We had been in touch through texts and cards, maybe a brief call. But I hadn't really heard much for a year or so. I was working a new job at a doctor's office, when this happened. This could be another post.... but let's just say there was an awful woman there that was running the office that treated me terribly. I thought Why God? Why did you allow me to have this job, and be treated like this. later I would learn why. Anyway the day my sister died, I did not get a phone call but a text from my great niece and then a post on Facebook..... I was heartbroken. I didn't get the time to see her or talk to her before she passed. This along with everything else that was going on, still in the work comp process, dealing with the new job, having to deal with the issues I had such as the carpal tunnel, and I have an issue with my back as well. But just all of it, I know I was depressed. Not real bad, but I really needed more of a shoulder from the guy I was with. I just didn't feel he was there as much as he could of been. I was so sad inside. I asked for one day off from work, to deal with the death of my sister, and I was treated badly for taking the day off when I returned....so here we go again..... then I became very sick within a few weeks. The sickest I had been ever. I went to my doctor not the doctor I worked for because I really didn't plan to stay at this job, due to the work ethic was awful, and I knew that after one week. Well, God had a plan for me. Maybe he allowed me to be that ill to get me out of there. I lost my job because I was ill with some kind of virus for weeks, and couldn't be around patients. They had to pay me unemployment, so again, the income came through. However it can be a real blow to your self, when you lose a job. I was in a very down state and my daughter surprised me and had my son who lives in Oregon flown home to be with me for a couple of weeks. This was one thing that made me very happy. I hadn't been happy for quite a while. My son made me realize things are going to be ok, they will work out. Maybe not the way I thought or wanted but it will be alright. I need to stop living in fear. I need to take back control of my life the best I can. We all experience loss along this path in life. And it SUCKS. It's hard. I have spent a lot of time alone since my break up with Mr. S. And it's been needed. I plan to date more. I have a little. I am looking for a certain man, and when I meet him I will know. I'm not afraid to get back out there, just disappointed with online dating. It's exhausting. I'm doing this in my own time. I'm reading more, spending time with friends, and family. I bought a kayak, finally! I've been wanting one for years. I am trying to work out again. I'm going to church. I'm going to concerts, and trying to be more social again. I just lost yet another friend who died suddenly. He just moved to Italy with his awesome girlfriend. I was thinking of visiting. We had been talking of this for a year. It's always been a dream to go there. See if I had the right man in my life, to go with me maybe I would... I still want to, but it won't be the same without Joe. Im sad over this, and pray for his family and girlfriend. but he did it, he moved to Italy, what he wanted to do ! I envy people who go for their dreams. I want to be that way. I'm writing because it's something I like to do, and people have always told me I could. So, don't wait, make the plans, buy the ticket, eat the cake, enjoy your life. Do what makes you happy! it's taken me a long time to follow through on this. God knows where you are, just as he does me. Stop living in fear, it zaps your joy. Tell those people who support you, encourage you Thank you! Be the light! Would of, could of, should of..... get rid of that ! :)
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