Dating why do we bother?

I can't believe that I am even attempting to try to date again, especially the nightmare of online.  I did this years ago, it's been a while.  I did meet a couple of men I dated a while, that I truly liked.  You see I said liked, not loved.  I thought I loved one of them, we talked of marriage.  But he would leave me hanging a lot of the time, making excuses using his work as a reason.... I believe if you are in a relationship, and especially if it is long distance you should keep in touch every day.  If you don't feel like talking, or really busy, then a text is fine.  But when someone just leaves you wondering what is happening, isn't good.  So, does that person really love you?  Don't they care how your day is?  Should you text first?  Early in a relationship, I am still old fashioned, believing that most of the communication should come from HIM.   However, I am learning again, that there are so many men that leave you wondering.... which is bullshit.  It's rude.  So, needless to say,  I walked away from that relationship of almost a year.  He was still bitter over his divorce, anyway.  He lived in his sister's basement and had for quite a while.  It was somewhat uncomfortable to go there and spend the night.  I loved his family, his parents lived there also.  I got to know them, and felt like I missed them more than him.  We stayed friends, talked here and there.  Even went by to visit.  But I moved on.  Met another man online, we hit it off.  I got him to do things he had never done.  Recently divorced, and had been in the Navy for 17 years, he wanted to have fun.  His ex never wanted to do much.  She I think got used to being more by herself and when he got out of the military, she didn't handle it well.  We  went rollerblading, canoeing, and kayaking, went to Mexico, went up North a lot,  went to the gym, the beach, hung out with his friends,  to movies, hiking, picnics,  blues festival, concerts,  we had a great time doing these things together.  He called me his Fantasy Girl.  Which is a song by 38 Special, who we did see in concert.  He told me he had enjoyed our time doing these things.  But we argued about love.  I told him I loved him, but was not in love with him.  I enjoyed spending time with him, he would get me little surprise gifts and flowers, just because... but I didn't fall in love, after 8 months.   He said it was the same.... No, I loved him as a person, but it's not the same as being in love.....You should know after that much time.  His father passed away on New Years day, about a week or so before we went to Mexico.  I really wanted to walk away before this, but didn't because I had paid for my trip myself.  I always wanted to go, he wanted to go to scuba dive.  I told him I almost drown twice in my life, and wouldn't be joining him in the diving  venture.  Well we went on the trip, and met other couples at the airport before we go to Mexico.  Who would become my friends during the time of being in Mexico.   He went on early morning dives.  I would get up early and get breakfast and work out, and drink.... I was on vacation and wanted to have fun.  He would come back and have lunch with me, and plan another dive later.  I took Spanish lessons, salsa dance, read a book, laid in the sun, relaxed in the pool, and hung out with my new friends.  After a few days of this, I told him I didn't take a vacation to hang out with others, but with him.  So, he did change his dive schedule, and spent more time with me.  We kayaked, snorkeled, went sailing, horseback riding, out to dinner in town with the biggest margaritas ever.  Walked along the shore, while the sun set.  Beautiful place, at a very nice resort, but I wasn't feeling it.  And he said he felt guilty that he wasn't there with his ex wife and kids.  Wow.... so this is over.  The day we were to leave he wanted to stay longer.  Told me to call and make arrangements.  I told him I needed to get home, had to work the following week.  He was upset, and I thought about it, he was grieving.  He had lost his father a few weeks before, and I believe it was hitting him.   We got on our plane and he barely talked to me, so I buried myself in a book.  We got back to Michigan and had to get gas, he used to always pump the gas, even though it was my car.  Well this time he didn't.  He was rude, and he had never been like this to me.  Yes, it was grief.  He needed time to deal with this.  I told him when we got back to our town.  That he needed to take time for himself, and it was ok.  He just said OK, and we didn't speak for days.  A week or so later, I found some of the gifts I had bought for him on my front porch.  What a joke I thought.  But whatever.  This was a couple of weeks before Valentines Day.  Around Valentines I found flowers on my porch and a email from him, that said he was sorry.  Could we try again ?  I told him, NO, I was fine.  And that we both needed to move on.  Years later I would run into him, and he would contact me again and ask me out.  I didn't go.  Why should I?  He sent me another email apologizing over and over for his behavior.  I told him, again, I understood, and have moved on.  We had a good time and it was now over.  I heard from him a couple more times asking me to go out, and again I declined.  I'm not going to waste any more time with any man that doesn't know what he wants.  I need to remind myself to walk away when I am not getting what I need from someone.  This has always been a problem.     

So no dating for the last 5 or so years, because I had been involved with a man that made me believe that we were always going to be together.   Yes, we talked of moving in together, and marriage.  Early on, it was discussed more, but then after a couple of years when I brought it up, it was shut down.  Again, not getting what I need from someone.  I was going through enough at that time.  Just lost my good job, dealing with lawyers who seemed to be idiots, hearing of all the people leaving the employer that we all thought was a sure thing.  And it was until a new CEO took over, and took away our lifestyle.  I was having a lot of stress, and health issues.  So, I didn't change anything.  He continued to come over to my place every other weekend.  We didn't do much really.  But he was company.  It was like we became an old married couple in a comfort zone.  He would put his pajama pants on soon after he arrived at my house on a Friday night.  I usually fixed myself up with make up, perfume, and greeted him at the door.  He always brought wine, and liquor.  I made dinner, we drank, him way more than me...watched movies-that was his favorite thing to do... after awhile that became pretty boring.  I would complain to my girlfriends, and they would tell me I deserved more.  I know I did.  This guy though I believed I loved.  I thought no matter what he had in his past, I could help him.  Not fix him, but help him through it.  I did that since his divorce was filed.  I was there first as a friend and listened to him whine and whine.... the problem was it should of stopped somewhat after 4 years of being in a relationship together.  But it didn't.  He told me he loved me and wanted me, but I felt I was just someone so he wasn't alone.   After a trip to Myrtle Beach with my daughter and granddaughter I had told him we needed to go on some trips and do some more enjoyable things in life.  He always had an excuse.  He wasn't happy, he was miserable, and there wasn't anything I could do to fix him....   I met him the old fashioned way, not online.  Why did I ever get myself involved with this man?  I had wanted to walk away over the year before, but his mom died suddenly and he wanted me to be with him.  Of course he did I was the comfort zone.  After a few months I realized I had to leave this relationship.  He told me he didn't know what he wanted anymore... Yes, another man grieving.  Grieving a divorce already, and now his mother.  He became very distant.  And I was going to break up but thought I would just give him some space.   Well, he called me one night a week after my birthday and told me we should just go back to being friends.  I told him I couldn't.  He said he wasn't any good for me, and that I wanted a man with a motorcycle... wow, he didn't even know me after 6 years!  At first it was kind of a shock for a day or so, and then it was RELIEF.  I didn't need to listen to his whining about the town he lived in that he hated, the house he hated, his job he disliked, his ungrateful teenage daughter who treated him like shit, but it was different to not talk to him after 6 years of communicating.   Going through my first weekend that he didn't come over, I just stayed busy, working on things in my house or spending time with friends.  Then came holidays.... Thanksgiving and Christmas were strange.  Seeing how I had always spent them with him and his family.  I still kept in touch with his sister.  She knew a lot of what I had went through with him, and that I was planning on walking away right before his mom passed.  I don't know why things happened the way they did, but for some reason they did.  This time I have learned so much more about myself.  I have spent more time alone, not dating much.  A little, but getting to know myself before I get involved with anyone else, is much NEEDED.  I'm still angry at myself for giving him so much of my life, and especially at this age.  He knew we were 12 years apart.  But he is now on Match.com, looking for way younger women.  He's 48, looking for women 32-52.  He's out of shape, drinks too much, and can't seem to make it off the couch most days.  He lied and told me he would always be there for me.  He really wasn't.  He is insecure, and really not emotionally stable.  He wasn't dealing with life.  He told me he was  afraid of everything.  And any thing that hurt him he would just push it down.  So, he drank.  His blood pressure was high, he was having panic attacks again, but wouldn't go to the doctor.  So, that's his choice, his life, not mine.  I am thankful to not be involved with him.  So, yes, after this experience I need to LOVE myself, before any one else again.   It seems that I have always had a boyfriend.... or a husband... part of me does want that again, and maybe to be married.  Not sure yet, but I know I want more than what I had with the last guy.  I  deserve to be with someone who is healthy in mind and body, who has healed from a divorce or relationship, who knows what they want.  I can't spend any more time helping someone pick up the pieces of their life, when they are not willing to do the same for me.  I can't deal with anymore men who are insecure.  I know I am a great woman, know how to treat someone in a relationship.  I demand the same.  So, yes, I am being very picky.  I'm too old to play this stupid game.  
Most of the dates I have been on in the last 6 months are with men I consider friends.  There is one that I at one time wanted to be more, but have come to realize he doesn't want the same, so why bother.  I did date a man that I liked, but he has been somewhat distant.  His mom passed a couple of months before we met, so this is part of his issue.  And that's alright, I understand.  However, he did leave me hanging a couple of times, so that I don't appreciate.  Why can't men just be honest ?  I feel so many don't.  Especially when it comes to someone you meet online, like I did meet this man.  First you have to have an attraction to each other physically. And have things in common to discuss, do together.  My deal breaker, I can't be with a man that smokes, and has no belief in God.   I need someone to believe the way I do.  No sense in wasting any more time.  

When I think back of the men I have been involved with, it's crazy.  I know I wasn't thinking with my head and heart the way I should of.  I've been with men because they gave me the attention we all like of course.  But there were red flags and I continued to go through the motions when I knew better.  

And now online dating again.... it can be brutal.  People can claim to be someone they aren't.  Guys I believe use fake pictures, and make you feel like you are special.  Those are the ones that call you names such as "Baby, Sweetie, Honey, Lover, etc" before you even meet them.  They push to text or email you to get away from the sites, which in some ways is fine.  But keep you hanging on for months regarding meeting them.. there are two men right now who are in another state and say they want to be with me, eventually... What a joke!  Be careful what you share with someone before you meet them, and get to know them.  And then there are those that write me a novel in their first message to me.... here's one guy 5 messages in last week, 3 on the same day, practically begging me to go with him to a concert in March.  I have never met this man, and wrote him back telling him, I was sorry but there was no attraction for him, and asked him to continue to look elsewhere.  I did say I appreciated his compliments, but we were not a good match.  There are others that are older and retired and tell me everything they can give me, and again, no attraction, most of those I just ignore.  Then there are those that get pissed because I don't accept their phone number or message.  I usually end up blocking those.  I have checked out about 7 different dating  sites, just to see what's out there... part of me feels that I am never going to meet the man I am to be with online.  I really prefer not to.  I had a date last week with a guy that was attractive, and seemed to have things in common with.  He drove from out of town to meet me, said let's meet for drinks first.  I agreed.  he changed our meet time twice.  I should of just cancelled, then.  I wasn't feeling it.  And I will not do this again.  I have been trying to just meet people before talking for a long time.  The only way to know if you are compatible is to meet, not talk through cyber space.  I refuse to do so.  Most of the scammers want to keep it not meeting.... I'm done with that.  I want something real,  not this shit.  Now for my date last weekend.... we met in the parking lot, and walked in together at a restaurant.  I suggested we get an appetizer along with drinks, as it was almost dinner time.  Well, he said he was going to a Super Bowl get together after and was just going to eat then.  Made no offer to buy me something, not even my drink!!!!  And he had water, which he barely drank because he wouldn't shut up talking about himself, and politics.  Which was a total turn off as soon as he opened his mouth.   I had already ordered a drink and a salad, so I sat there, eating and drinking while he kept going on.  Not once did he ask anything really about me personally.  WOW, WHAT A ASSHOLE LOSER.   He told me he was retired, but he was only 57.  He hadn't worked much in the last 10 years.  His pics on his profile I think were at least that old if not older.  I was so angry at myself for driving into town and spending $20 !  Never had that ever in all my years happen!  So, this week, I haven't hardly at all been on any site, unless someone sent me a message or two.  And acted like they wanted to get to know each other.  Things can look really  good on a dating site, but the proof is in the meeting.  Believe me!  so STOP wasting time on those sites.  If a guy doesn't want to meet within a couple of weeks, forget it.  

It's been snowing the last few days, and I literally binge watched Shameless yesterday, in between working out, laundry, dishes, cleaning etc.... and made myself a steak dinner.  It's the first time ever I think that I have been completely alone, besides with my animals.... during a snow storm..  It's different but Good.... I am learning to do a lot more on my own, and guess what I actually am learning to Love myself again!   I know what I want, and the kind of man I would like in my life someday.    So NO more settling, which is what I feel I have done a lot of in the past.  I am looking forward to a concert next week with girlfriends, and more things in the coming months.  This week will be Valentines Day, and I haven't done that alone in 5 years, but you know what.... I will treat myself to something, and enjoy the day!  Everyone needs to.    Enjoy life, and all that it has to offer!