Who Is Right for US ?

It's been awhile since I have written..... not that the thoughts haven't been there, but making good quality time to actually sit and write.... during this dating process, ha, kind of dating... actually more like chatting online, maybe a text for a few days and then NOTHING... what the hell?  I'm am so over this.... I just want to meet someone the old fashioned way!  I think so many of these guys, and girls I am sure, are just out there, and don't even know what the hell they want!  Note to self.... think about it!  Spend some time getting to know who you are again, before you even go online and try to find someone.  Did I tell you how I hate yes, HATE online dating ?  So many fakes out there.... are those really their pictures ?  I have had some experiences let me tell you.... what I don't understand is what is the point?  If they are not who they say they are, what are they doing?  Is it a money thing?  I'm the last one to ever give anyone money, especially someone I don't know!  The only people I give money to are my kids and close friends.  I started an experiment... I signed up for a few dating sites just to see what was out there... some were free.  Here's my list.... Tinder,  Zoosk, Match.com, Our Time, OK cupid, Two, plenty of fish....the eHarmony was I think the most expensive....  I am only paying for Match.  I went on there after finding out my ex who needed time alone, you know maybe because he was grieving.... who actually talked to a mutual friend and she set up a profile for him.... WTH?  His age he was looking for was a joke.... 16 years younger and up to his age... he has now changed that and added a few more years up from his age.  So this insecure man has been thrown into the brutality of online dating... GOOD LUCK with that.... what a joke... and this is a guy who doesn't have much of a life, but online it looks like he does.... just like a lot of these people... going back and forth to work, and coming home to turn on the  TV really isn't a life!  The things he posted I got him doing... and I kept asking to do more.... I really wanted us to go on a vacation, yearly...not just a few days up north to the family farm and do the same things...over and over.  I realized how much life I wasn't living after my break up from him.  I thought what has become of me???  The fun adventure seeking girl, who planned things as soon as the weather warmed up.  I will admit I do not do much in the winter, unfortunately.  I used to go snowmobiling when I was married, it was fun.  I used to go sledding, and ice skating.  Now I am worried about falling, and injuring my back even more.  Anyway, I am starting to not like the cold... the snow is pretty for about a month, during the holidays and then it can leave.  I like the sunshine, it gives me life.  Why did I settle for that lifestyle?  It really wasn't my choice.... it was his... I know I went through some rough spots of losing my job, and having health issues, and I know I was a little depressed but it wasn't like he was there lifting me up.  I had some great friends, especially Beth who kept in touch with me, and kept me focused and knew I wanted to have some fun and live every moment, not just sitting on a couch watching movies and drinking wine!!!!   I mean that is OK sometimes, but not every other weekend!!!   My life became boring, unhappy, mundane, stuck in a rut.... I had to go do something!  So on the weekends he wasn't in my space, I tried to spend time with friends, family and myself..  just getting out.  I tried, I really did to motivate him to enjoy life, not just exist.  I came to know that's all he was doing.  I didn't want that.  Life is too short to just go through the motions.  I am grateful for this break up.  I get to know myself again.  I am an amazing person, a good mom, a good friend, and I know someday, I will be a good partner in a long term relationship again.  Why did I settle for this behavior?  Part of me thinks I had lost a great deal of my confidence.  I gained 10 pounds in the last few years, as not able to work out the way I used to. But back at it now! I had lost myself, and what I truly wanted.  I wasn't getting what I needed but I hesitated to let go of him.  It was somewhat of a comfort zone, being with him.  I know I loved him, but it wasn't enough and the right kind of love.  I was his friend first, and I feel like I gave him all I could.  I tried to make him better, to like himself, to be positive and uplifting.  In that process though, I forgot to tell myself this is what I needed, especially from him.  You can not force another human being to give you what you need.  If they can't, you either accept it, or MOVE on... like I said I am grateful for this break up.  It was necessary.  I was afraid of hurting him, and really I just hurt myself, more again!   

How do we stop being drawn to men who need fixing?   I've always told myself and friends, do a check list before jumping in all the way with a guy.  List the Pros and Cons of being with this person.  Do the pros outweigh the cons?  It's like you need to keep this list going during the first few months of dating.  You will not know everything from a couple of dates.  There has to be an attraction physically for me.  The personality is very important.  Their faith is a dealbreaker, no more getting involved with anyone who doesn't believe in God!  The last relationship no praying, no faith, never went to church on a regular basis.... I should have known this wasn't going to work.  Remember, I was trying to help him, so I was trying to convince him that he needed to jump on my faith wagon.... over 40 years of him not being a Christian didn't mean he couldn't now.  It's never too late!  However, this was just one more thing that he didn't change.  He hated any change, anything that would make him live life differently.... I did get him listening to Joel Osteen, which was a good start.  I'm pretty sure he probably gave him up, just like he did me.  Sad.  Can't imagine going through life like that, miserable existence.   Back to the list... need to be an animal lover.  Need to be family orientated.  I couldn't date men that didn't like animals.  I also couldn't date those that had never been married or didn't have kids.  Those are two big things !  You want to be able to relate with someone, have common interests.  My kids are my life.  Difficult for those who don't have children to understand what you go through.  You are always going to be their parent, and they will never stop needing you.  So, those are just some of the things I think of when making a list.  You know what you're dealbreakers are.  Figure out the kind of person you want to spend time with, and get the list started, and keep it going.  Honesty,  responsiblity,  compassion,  common interests.  Very important to me.  No one is going to be perfect, but you see how this goes.  There are usually red flags early on when seeing someone if that person isn't right for you.  I've done it too many times, excusing those when I really should of paid more attention.  And that gut feeling you get?  Listen to that!   Take him around your friends, have couples dates, see how he acts.  Does he talk about his ex ???  RED flag!  Men that do that really are not ready to be in a relationship.  Those guys need more time alone, to be able to move on.  Problem is  most of these men, and some women don't know the meaning of that.  They just have to have a warm body next to them.  My relationship with my last guy, I thought I did it right.  After getting too quickly involved in the past and getting into a sexual relationship too soon, I told myself No more.  Get to know him, be a friend first.  No jumping into bed.  Flirting and a little romantic gestures, kissing are ok.  Be careful how much you drink when first dating someone.  Alcohol really does not give us the best judgement calls.... a couple of drinks are fine.  But the let's have dinner  and drinks at my place instead of going out..... could be a set up for sex.... so until you are really ready, and I mean you have decided that you like the guy, he's got more pros so far on your list than cons, and you would sleep with him sober, don't go that route.  Stay going out.  It's so easy to fall into that comfortable spot.... there's a man I have seen a few times in the last 5 months, and I like him.  He's a fun guy.  We laugh.  I have went to his house and had food and drink.  However I have told myself that I do not think he is the man for me.  He is a friend, and that's probably where he will stay.  To me, he drinks too much.  And that's one of the things on my list that I said I really didn't want to do again.  I married an alcoholic who also got involved in drugs.  I left after a year of giving him time to get his shit together which he didn't follow through on.  I didn't look back, I said no more drunks, no more drugs.  I also was involved with another man who drank too much but really wouldn't admit it.  Denial, is easy to do, when you drink to deal with life, no matter what, you are an alcoholic.   I drink, but not that often.  I like having wine with my girlfriends, from time to time.  Margaritas, Captain and coke, Malibu and cranberry.  Yes, I drink, but I know when to stop.  I never drink when I am upset.  Being alone has made me deal with myself a lot more than when I was in a relationship.  Like I said I will have a couple of drinks on a date but no more.  Alcohol isn't a lot of people's friend.  It's done a lot of harm to many.  So, no, I choose to not be with anyone who drinks too much.  That sex thing, I can no longer do anything casual.  I want to be in a committed loving relationship before I share myself with someone again.  For women it's more on an emotional thing than for men.  Men think of sex 98% of the time so they say, whoever "they" are.  Women always have many other things on their mind.  I am not saying men's minds aren't busy, but they see a curvy beautiful woman and do you think they are thinking.... " can she cook?"  I doubt it.  Even though, later they do want a woman who knows her way around the kitchen, and can put a good meal on the table!   

I think my next post will be about unhealthy relationships.... I know I have had my fair share.  This is what happens when you ignore the Red Flags, and just think you can change him.... Note to self.... It will never work!  People will not change, until they decide and are ready to change.  

The sun is shining today!  It's still cold, and classified as winter, even though the weather was 60 the other day, and then snow the next.... Warmer weather is coming...and that means more activity, yay!  Enjoy your days,  especially your alone time!