Rewind time, and Self Confidence-where do we get it?

It's been weeks since I wrote, and I am really feeling it.... I enjoy this outlet, and need to make time for it.  a lot has happened in the last few weeks.  I have been talking to a new man, yes someone from a dating site.  Still trying to figure that all out.  I took a somewhat vacation.  I went to see my sister who is now in S. Carolina.   We drove to Charleston, which I loved!  I want to go back, for sure.... we only spent a weekend there.  The history had me so inquisitive,  the food was amazing, and the people are pretty friendly.  Took a horse carriage tour of the city's old history.  Pretty awesome.  The weather could of been warmer.  My sister and I went to Folly Beach which is on the Atlantic ocean, just not as populated as Myrtle Beach.  The sun was shining, it was 67, so not bad. Back to Michigan, and more cold temps and snow, in April!  It was a much needed getaway, and really enjoyed the time with Darlene.  We have the same father.  We were not raised together, but we are a lot a like in ways.  

We all need time to relax, unwind, renew our minds.  We usually call it vacation.  If you don't have the time or money for a week, plan a weekend.  I am trying to get back into doing this with girlfriends.  Some people never make the time to do things for themselves, such as a brief getaway.  What happens when you work too much and play much less?  NO balance.  Everyone needs something to look forward to.  I have dated a few men who never took the time they needed to have fun, relax, unwind.  They seemed to drink too much, complain constantly about work, and never having time to do anything.  Well, that is up to you... You have to make the time.  It (getaways) keeps us going.  It's the prize after working hard to enjoy life.  I spent my life with someone for over four years, and we never spent enough time going somewhere.  He took me up north once a year for a weekend...yes, I enjoyed that, however they needed to be more of those.  He complained constantly about his job, his life...etc....etc.... too much STRESS!  We all have stress, but how do you deal with it?  Stress will kill you!  His blood pressure was rising, he was experiencing panic attacks again, but he just wouldn't plan any down time that he needed.  I kept suggesting, and eventually I gave up.  I planned some time away with girlfriends, and if I talked to him he sounded mad that I was away.  Wow.... well I am sure he was drinking, and the more he did, the more pissed he got.... I am grateful to not be in that relationship any more.  I felt stressed a lot just dealing with him.  Very sad, because I did at one time love him.  But he couldn't decide what he wanted in life with me... I knew what I wanted then, and still do today.  

Onto my topic of Self Confidence-where do we get it????  

I finally am more self confident than I ever have been in my entire life.  And, no I'm not my perfect size (I'm trying again) in the perfect relationship, have the perfect job, etc. etc.  
It takes time to be happy with yourself.  I've been through counseling, especially going through my first divorce, and after.  Counseling when in the second marriage, and after.  Some counseling after losing the job I had for 13 years.  Counseling while in a couple of relationships that were long term.  

We have to have time to get to know ourselves.  How did we grow up? Were we told we we nothing, never going to amount to anything ?  Were we picked on because of the way we looked?  Did we have health issues, that we got teased  about ?  Most all of these things we have no control over.  When we were a child, we didn't know any better, we didn't stand up for ourselves the way we should of.... well, I did not have a perfect childhood.  I had some pretty crappy things happen to me... one thing was my best friend who was like my sister, was being picked on by black girls in junior high school.  They would harass her, and tell her to bring them money.  We were kids, we didn't have jobs, besides babysitting.  Which wasn't a lot of money back then.... so she was stealing it from her mom's purse.  I found out but not until after she didn't come to school, and these girls tried to pick on me... well, I wasn't going to stand for it.  So, I went to the counselor.  These girls had been treating her like crap, saying they were going to beat her up if she didn't constantly bring them money!  So she was sick a lot, maybe somewhat stress...but she didn't want to come to school, because if she didn't steal the money from her hard working mom, she would be in trouble with these girls.  After I went to the counselor, the truth came out.  She admitted to what was going on.  The girls were in trouble maybe suspended i don't remember.  But it stopped.  Then our school had some kind of riot!  The black kids were out of hand and they locked us in our classroom.  I had a plant thrown at me, because I had went to the counselor.  I didn't care.  I learned to stand my ground and help protect my friends.  Years later, as an adult I would have to learn that all over again!  

I married a man that tore me down.  I was young, and even though I had confidence I thought.  He beat me down bad.  I had survived getting pregnant in high school, and returning to school to graduate with my class.  Of course people talked about me, and acted like I was some kind of whore.... which I wasn't.  The truth is my son's father basically raped me.  I was 16, he was 15, and we were at a party.  I didn't do drugs, he did.  Well pretty sure he gave me something, and I was very tired.  He told me to go upstairs in a bedroom and lay down...so that was all I really remembered.... a couple of months later, my periods were messed up.  I thought I was dealing with possibly an ovarian cyst issue.  When I told him what was happening, he flat out told me it's because you're pregnant!  What????  I haven't had sex... so he also told me of when.  Really in my mind I thought that was a dream.  Well it wasn't... and I went to the doctor, and sure enough, I was pregnant... I went to an alternative school while I was and then after I had my son I returned to my high school.  I found out who my real friends were.  Even though so many of these girls were having sex, and on the pill, the ones who got pregnant got talked about....so where was my self confidence then??? 
Took a while to feel good about who I was.  My son was not a "mistake" he was a gift from God, which his name Nathan means.  I had my child at 17.  When others were making college plans, I was working a part time job, and dealing with caring for a baby.  It was tough.  Yes, I had my mom and step dad, aunts, grandma, and sisters who were there for me.  But I still felt very alone.  I wasn't where I wanted to be in life.  I was no longer with his father, because he went to jail.  I became involved with another man before my son was born.  Seems like I never had a problem getting a boyfriend.  Maybe that is a problem!  I really needed to focus more on myself and my son, and not be with anyone.  But I really didn't know how, and what to do.  I was 19 when I got with my first husband.  It's too much of a long story to go into right now, but let me tell you this.... this man was so jealous of anyone around me!  He wanted to control my life.  Tell me who I could spend time with, what to wear,  when to be home, you name it.  I never realized how horrible he was until many years later, through domestic abuse counseling.  It was shocking how much I had put up with.  Like I said there are other things in my child hood, that I believe got me to where I was at that point.  I am not going to talk about them, not sure if I will ever write about it in this blog.  Maybe at some point, but that is not now.    My confidence was shot!   I felt so low, thinking that I wasn't pretty, I wasn't good enough, no one was ever going to want me, besides him, so I had better learn how to deal with it.  Yes, I said domestic violence.  He was abusive.  He pushed, hit, emotionally abused me even more.  He blamed so many of his issues on me!  So how did I ever make it back to having the confidence I needed in life?  

Yes, it started with divorce, which I filed for twice.  I had a a brief moment I thought he might change.  But I finally came to my senses and realized that life with him was not the one my kids and I should be living.  We all DESERVED BETTER!   
Gradually, with counseling, and church, and good people I started to like myself again.  Forgive myself for my mistakes.  Realize that God loves me, I am his chosen daughter, and I know he was with me through those horrible times when I felt worthless and unloved.  It hasn't been an easy road.  I've went through yet another marriage, and more relationships, and have had to continue to tell myself I am still worthy of a good life.  Somedays, I think maybe I should be alone, with my dog and cats, and no man.  The man I am currently seeing, we have had 2 dates and numerous phone calls and texts within the last 6 weeks, has an issue with his self esteem.  I want to help him.  Not sure I can.  I am trying to be positive telling him he is a good man.  He has a good heart, will do anything for his family, and now for me.  I know this man has childhood issues, that as an adult he needs to let go of.  Like I said it is not easy.  You have to want to have a better life.  The past will destroy you if you let it.  He is a Christian, so he needs to realize this is between him and God.  He has pushed me away before, saying I am too good for him.  Am I?  I want to help, but I can't fix him, or anyone else, only myself.  In reading through my own posts, I have come to the conclusion, maybe all I can be right now is an encouraging friend.  I need someone on the same page as me in life, happy with who they are.  Healthy in mind, and body.     

Self confidence is so important !  First, forgive yourself if you have made mistakes, forgive others who have wronged you, look in the mirror and tell yourself you are a child of God, and God doesn't make junk!   Love yourself, do things that make you happy.   Realize you are worthy of happiness in your life.  No matter what has happened in those years that are gone, tomorrow is a new day to start over.  
I have to remind myself all the time.  Especially when a relationship I thought was going to work out doesn't.  It's a tough road, but it is essential to a better life.  I wish you all the best, smile, and thank God for the life you have!   

Until next time..... thank you for reading.... Debi  : )