Being ALONE

Many of us are alone in life, due to losing someone to divorce, a relationship that has went bad due to cheating, addictions, financial mismanagement, abuse....  no matter what the reason, it all sucks!  It makes you afraid to get back out there, to trust someone again.  I mean didn't your relationship start out like AMAZING???  I have learned so much in all these years.... many relationships, two marriages, I've lost count how many dates... the thing is I catch myself putting up with stuff that I shouldn't.  I've continued to talk to a man for months that is an alcoholic, and smokes way too much.  He's on the road to constant self destruction.  He's selfish, it's all about the jock he used to be, what he used to do for a job, how he always gets crapped on.... well, I just can't listen anymore!  I've tried to be compassionate and kind.  He told me many times he loved me, and that he wanted to be with me... he didn't really even know me!  So this last time when he said I think this is done... yes, you are so right, it's done.  I won't be texting or talking to you any longer.  Why did I do this to myself yet, again.... for fear of being alone.... being well over 50 now.... I feel my options are running low.  I'm still on some stupid dating sites, just because Mr. Right just might be there.  I hate dating sites.  I hate men that keep you on hold... contact you about getting together and then leave you hanging.  I just went out with a nice guy that I have been communicating with for almost 6 months.  He finally made the time for a real date.  I liked him, he liked me... and wants to get together again.... that's great if his busy life will allow it.  Then there are the old boyfriends who want to get together more.  And of course there is the  man that still has a huge piece of my heart.   After 16 years.... not sure where that is going yet.  I do know this.  I'm getting tired of being alone.  For the most part I am fine.  I make my own schedule and do my own thing.  It works.  Then there are times I miss being a couple.  I have almost always had a boyfriend.  It's been well over a year and I am not in any committed relationship.  I am thinking God knows why, and he will bring the right man to me.  It's crazy how many men tell me horror stories of the ex wives, lovers.... how badly they were treated.   My friends and I don't get it... we are good women, just looking for a decent looking, employed, non addictive man with good credit and his hair and teeth!!!!   Why can't we find who is right for us?  My last relationship wasn't bad, but I called it my part time relationship....  I had a boyfriend in my house, in my bed, sharing food,  conversations, events, coffee, and wine....lots of wine, mostly him.... Actually it was working for me, until I wanted more, and he DIDN'T.... he didn't know what he wanted, after almost 5 years.  So I feel like I wasted so much of my time and energy with him.  But there must of been a reason maybe to remind me of what I don't want, and what I do.  He wasn't honest, like he said... caught him in some lies which he refused to admit.  Are there any really Honest men still left in the world???  

So I have had three long term relationships since I left my last husband.... the others were just whatever.... well maybe 5, but those two only lasted about a year.  the others were over 3 years.  I left my last marriage in Oct, 2002.  New job, new house to rent, new life.  So wow, that's 16 years ago!  Yes, I've been alone long enough.  I do want someone in my life, that wants the same, either a long term committed relationship, and/or marriage.  I'm way too old to play house with anyone.  I want someone that I can depend on in my golden years.  I know I have gotten used to a certain life style and there will need to be adjustments made.  I'm ok with that.   I would be wonderful if the man that has a piece of my heart could figure out his next move, and if he wants me in that plan.  I'm getting tired of indesiveness.  Let the past go, live in the present and hope for the future.  

Until you are really ready to share your life with someone else though, 

BE ALONE..... get to know who you are, and what you want!  STOP putting yourself through heartache and nightmares!  They say there is someone for everyone...I have no idea who "THEY' are, but I want to believe this to be true.  Be cautious.  Don't help your heart get broken again.  

Enjoy your life, make a bucket list, and try your damnest to make it happen.  That's what I'm trying to do..... until you find someone who wants to share the list with you!!!!