DO WE NEED A MAN TO FEEL SPECIAL???

Do you ever feel as you aren't good enough?  You know you're on these dating sites, and you are just not getting the Right guy to be interested in you.  Are you not pretty enough, thin enough, your profile isn't really that good.... STOP!  I am on a few sites... I feel some just for research for this blog.  I haven't hardly dated that many men from them.  Yes, I am dating, and I've  been lucky enough to find a few that I have an interest in.... I guess I am being a little more selective in my golden years.  I am tired of attracting the same kind of guy.... they need rescuing, from their addictions.... too many out there that drink way too much... and I will never ever date anyone again that is doing any drugs.  Pot.... that's different, it's like medicine now.  No matter the dates I have recently went on, I still start having doubts.  I really feel like I want to find the right guy and be in a real relationship.  I am ready to sit on the couch, cuddle, watch a movie on a cold night.... eat pizza, have some wine, and wake up together.   Have coffee and conversation, and plan the day.  Again.... when I thought I was doing it all right, some almost 18 months ago...for the 5 year deal I was in.... I start to wonder, is this going to happen for me again, and anytime soon ?  Then I get mad again, that I feel like I wasted all that time with the wrong guy.  I start to beat myself up and realize, I have to let that go.  That's the past, this is now, and the man who will be happy with me, could be getting close.  Well let's see.... I am still hung up on a man that I have had feelings for in the last 17  years.  And maybe that's why the others didn't work out, because now we finally have a chance.  It's still a messy situation, but it could be accomplished.  In order for that to happen have to both be on the same page.  We aren't there.  He talked about being here with me, remodeling my house, just last week.  Just more talk... I need to see action.  I don't think that will be any time soon.  So, do I decide to wait for him, or continue to date others.  I am going to date others.  Mr Italian has me in a tizzy.  I felt like a teenager after him kissing me on our date the other day.  I am so attracted to him, and have been since I first saw him.  Problem is, the same as the other guy.... still legally married, due to a tragedy in the family, no divorce as yet.  Separated 7 years.  He's not sure he wants another relationship, just wants to get to know me, and enjoy life.  I see where he is, but not sure that's what I want.  We have only had two dates, and we message every day for last month.  He makes me feel special, and wanted, and beautiful.... which is very nice.  But can't I feel special without him ?  What do men do to us? 

 We feel we need to have one in our life to feel good.  That has been a big part of my problem, I think.  I hate to admit this, but I am finally coming to terms with MYSELF.  I have been through many relationships in my life.  Somedays I am not even sure what I am doing.  Am I wasting my time?  I am not unhappy by myself.  I am lonely though.  Not where I wanted to be at this age.  Yes, I enjoy spending time with my girlfriends.  I think this winter is dragging me down.  Maybe I need to go to Florida and see Mary.  I am getting too old to play the game the some of these men play.  Mr Italian is a little younger, and most men I go out with are.  But life is short, and yes I want to enjoy it as much as possible.  But don't I deserve MORE?  To be involved with a man who is no longer married!  This brings me to my date last night.  Mr. B contacted me per Facebook, asked if I remembered him.  Of course I did he was cute, and funny.  We knew each other in high school.  We talked for a couple of weeks, and decided to get together.  I walked into the restaurant, and he gave me a red rose.  How sweet and for some reason I thought he might do that.  He is a good man, with a good heart.  Divorced for 6 years.  A few dates he said no relationships.  He saw me on a dating site as well, but hadn't wrote me.  Our time together went well, we shared a bottle of wine, had a nice dinner, and talked a lot.  It was such a comfortable time.  He and I are close in age.  I realized I like him. ( It wasn't like the sparks that flew with Mr Italian, or the man up north.)  He's a hard worker, and was very much a gentleman. He wants to go out again, and we will continue to talk daily.  Did he make me feel special ?  Yes.  He treated me very well.  I look forward to another date, and maybe future adventures.  I have to tell myself this, I need to not get hung up on this passion thing.  It might not even be real.  It might not last.  Who knows where this other situation with Mr. B could go?  No, he's not as handsome, but he's attractive, and looked nice.  Maybe the sparks won't fly yet.  We did have a connection though.  

I have to remember that I need to love myself first.  Continue on my path of trying to work out, enjoy what I want to do with friends/family.  Really stay on track with what I need to make me happy.  

I love that euphoria that I had with Mr. Italian, it's an amazing feeling, but how do I know he isn't dating a lot of other women, and I'm just part of his game.  He tells me he's not, and that he is only interested in me.  And of course I am not telling any of these men I am seeing others.  I need to see what I want.  I am not getting serious with anyone.  I would if my up north guy would tell me he's ready to remodel my house, I'd walk away from everyone else if I would hear the right words from him, but like I said I don't think that is coming anytime soon.  What bothers me is, we are the same age, and I really am tired of waiting and want to enjoy life.  Therefore I date..... you know to feel special.... just kidding... I know who I am, I am a good woman, with a good heart, and deserve to be treated very well.  

There aren't any real decisions to make yet.  I am living in the moment, and praying that God will guide me in what to do.  No more bad decisions.  Now, I need to think on that vacation, that's the only decision I really need to make.....