IMPATIENCE

Do you ever feel like you are just stuck?  Things aren't going the way you had hoped they would?  Whether it be dating, the weather, the job, the weight loss/shape up..... I feel this way quite often.  And when it comes to dating.... I get impatient.  I'm tired of wasting time with men who really shouldn't be on a dating site, or interested because they aren't done dealing with their own baggage in their life to even think about having anything to do with yours!  If you have been following my blog, you will know that there is a man up north who I have said still has a piece of my heart.  I had hoped maybe someday we would be together.  This morning I had many texts with him, and I again, thought.... what the hell am I doing???  Here is a man who has been interested in me for many years, who is finally getting out a miserable situation.  Yes, he was married.  And No I'm not happy with myself for falling for a married man.  You would have to know the entire story, though.  I am not trying to justify his or my behavior.  This marriage was over a long time ago, before I came into the picture.  I didn't break up any happy home, that's for sure.  They did that all on their own.  
In the midst of these texts today, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I am trying to fix another situation, that I have no control over.  It's not mine to repair.  I am just being the friend for now, and yes, I told him I love him, but probably not in the way he thought.  I'm not saying that we couldn't have a good life in the future.  I believe we could, HOWEVER he needs to deal with his past.  If not it is going to destroy his future.  I've already spent almost 5 years with someone else, and he couldn't let go, and move on.  I'm way too old to play this game.  

I continue to date others, and that's all it is.  Dates.  Mr Italian really wants more than that, and I am so attracted to him, but I am only fooling myself.  He isn't sure he wants a relationship.  I told him he wants an escape from reality.  He has guilt also, and tragedy.  I can't get that close to him either.  I plan to see him this weekend, I haven't seen him in weeks.  He's begging to see me.  I know he would like way more than kisses.... but if I open that door, for anything more, then it becomes emotional.  I think it isn't the same for men, as a woman it does something to you, where you think way too much.  As much as I would like to have sex again and yes he would be an ideal solution.... I can't get that close.  

So yes, I am getting impatient.  I am looking for the guy that knows what he wants.  He has dealt with the past, and can honestly say he wants a new life, with me.  In the past 18 months I am not sure of how many dates I have went on.  With how many men.  I have never been single like this.  Yes, the getting older thing....and not much social life, so really the only way I am meeting men these days is online.  Which I really HATE.  Especially in the winter months, too cold to be out.  Today is the first day of spring.  I really hope it warms up soon, and I can focus on doing my yard, and spending time out with friends.  Winter can be depressing, to many people.  I have tried to stay busy, working out, movies, friends over for dinner, a few projects.  I would just like to meet the right man, and get on with life.  Stop getting involved with the ones wasting my time.  

I am looking forward to what the next chapter in my life is supposed to be.  I had a dream that I fell for a man that had a lake house, and we were happy spending time there.  It was simple life.  That's all I have ever wanted.  I don't need to go to Paris by some rich guy who wants to kiss me by the Eifel tower.  I just want to live simply, have vacations,  friends over, bonfires, walks, kayaking.  Enjoy new adventures together.  

Ok, God.... how much longer is it going to be?  Remember how old I am, and that I would really like this to happen while I can enjoy it!  Where did the last 20 years go?  Yes, I wish I would of made better decisions when it came to who I allowed in my life, but that's over and done, I can't change the past.  Just hope for the future, and believe that there is someone who truly wants what I do.  

That's all we can do.... and of course need to be able to put yourself out there, not just by the computer.  Again, do what makes you happy.  If you are not happy with yourself, there is no sense in getting involved with anyone else.  Take more time and work on you.  This is why I will not be with my up north man.  He is not happy with himself, has lost the zest for life, and I can not be his or anyone's savior.  It's hard for me to think this way, because I do have love for him.  However, I have to love myself more!  

Today I got a message from another online guy, telling me I was sexy, and send him pics.  Really???  I told him, sorry, I am not the one for you, in any way.  I am not looking for sex with anyone.  I want more and I refuse to accept anything less.  So I blocked him.  Which I will continue to do to any man that behaves that way.  This guy was 53 years old.  You would think by the time men are over 50 they stop thinking with their little head and start with the one between their shoulders.... but some never will.  And those are the ones I need to steer clear of.  

I hate being impatient.  Actually, I am a very patient person.  I do not know why I am feeling the way I am, right now.  I am going to blame a lot of it on the weather!  It's depressing.  I need to get outside and enjoy life.  I hate being stuck, anywhere.  

Here's to hoping this Michigan weather improves very soon.  Be kind to yourself, do something you really enjoy.  That's what I am going to do.... think I am planning some get aways.   Up north, and NO not to see that guy, but spend time with my daughter, and granddaughter, a weekend by Lake Michigan.  Maybe a trip to see a friend in Florida.  And possibly a concert or two.  Some kayaking adventures to plan.  Some wineries to visit with friends.  Some exploring to do, a road trip that's not planned, but just get in the car and go.  If I didn't have pets, I would be gone so much more.  Maybe they save me money, lol.... I like to go new places, and then visit where I have been before.  I just need out.... yes, and to stop being impatient....