What to Do.....

My life has been going a long pretty well lately.... with the exception of my wonderful companion, Koda being sick and having emergency surgery this past week.  Work is ok, my kids are ok, my yard is looking much better-I love the green grass, and flowers.  I've thought many times about what happiness is, and how do you obtain it ?  I especially have done a lot of alone time and thinking since my 5 year relationship ended.... getting close to 2 years in August.  During this time I have dated I'm not sure how many men.  Is that bad ?  Well the thing is not many made any impression on me.  It was usually a date or so.  Tried dating one of my old boyfriends from years ago.  I realized why we weren't still together.  I never felt the way for him like you should to be in a relationship.  Of course he wanted me to "stay the night".  Ah, NO... not going there again.  For the past 10 years I really have been more cautious as to who I choose to spend time with.  And that includes dates with my friends, and by myself.  After the relationship I had where we were talking marriage, to me kicking him to the curb for his childish behavior, that's what happens when you date too young...He convinced me he was so in love with me, and good for me.  He wasn't a bad guy, just drank too much, and lied about it.  I had it.  I almost did not go back to online dating just because it can be exhausting.  Such a let down.  Well my friend Char would always tell me to stop having expectations.  So yes, I've done that.  Especially lately.  

I met a nice Italian man months ago, we started seeing each other.  I finally got comfortable to invite him to my house.  I was a nervous wreck.  My issue was this man was still legally married, but separated.  I thought to myself, OMG I can't do this again.... but I had agreed to our first date, just because.  Well it was great, better than great.  The kiss good by was intense, and the ones in the future proved to be just as intense.... like made me crazy dizzy.... we communicated every day for months.  He kept telling me "don't fall in love" that he didn't want to get married again.  Had many years of that, and married very young.  But he wanted someone to do things with and he wanted that someone to be me.  I felt flattered, and special.... then my moral compass started to kick in.... telling myself I am just getting myself in another situation with a man that wasn't divorced.  I questioned as to what I really wanted.  I would feel the anticipation getting out of work on a Friday when I would rush home to get ready to meet him.  It was so exciting.  Our dates always went well, however I always felt like he only allowed me into his life just so much.  So it was clear he just wanted me for himself, and the falling in love thing.... I wasn't... yes I thought of him during my days, helped me through the work day.  He made me feel good.  My relationship of 5 years with Mr. S.  had went very stale before the break up.  It was nice to be noticed.  He brought me flowers, as I teased about them.  He surprised me.  It was nice.  When he would leave, I would want him to return.  But I questioned myself so much.... is this really what I want ?  Am I happy with this arrangement?  Well, I really wasn't.  I continued to stay on some dating sites.  Like my girlfriends said I am single, I can do what I want.  There was no commitment.  Just two friends with a connection sharing fun times.  

Well, I never thought that I would truly meet a man who was so compatible with me.... on a dating site.  A down to earth man close to my age, that tried to eat healthy, had great taste in music, was family orientated, very attentive, and complimented me from out first meeting... I was attracted to him right away, tall and a beautiful smile, and smiling eyes.... he was nervous, and giggled about it when I asked him.  We spent a few hours together and it felt wonderful, getting to know him.  Then on our way back to town, his car broke down.  We called for a tow.  He lives out of town, and I had the idea to call my neighbor who is a mechanic.  He thought it was the alternator, and said to purchase one and he could install later.  So the car was towed to my neighbor, however it got late and he said he could do it in the morning.  My new friend, the New Yorker, who could speak fluent french, said he could go to a hotel.  I told him no, I was around the corner.  I had a guest room, and didn't want the date to end.  He said it was meant to be.  I feel the same.  That man and I are on the same page in life.  He is ready for a relationship, not sure about marriage, which is where I am at too.  We have a lot in common, I had a day long date with him, and a night.... I feel that I might have met the right guy.  It doesn't feel real.  

So what do I do..... one of my best friends just told me to follow my heart.... I feel this could be something great.  Take some time I don't need to make a decision right away.  Continue seeing the New Yorker and where it goes.  I have cancelled my dating profile.  He is doing the same.  I feel he and I are on the same page in life, and we are not getting any younger.  

The thing is.... I'm scared.  Underneath it all, I want a relationship.  It's been fun and exciting just dating.  He wants it all he said good and bad.  Did I mention I am going on very little sleep?  I laid awake with this great guy next to me, Yes.... I allowed him in my bed.... could of been the wine.... but then again, I think I would of sober.  I know it's fast.  Maybe too fast.  I want to get to know him more, and explore where this will go.  So does he.  And then my doubt kicks in.... going way back to the  emotional abusive marriage I had.... thinking I am not good enough for him.... but then the bad ass survivor in me takes over, and says..... YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH, BETTER THAN THAT..... allow this in your life.  I am no longer young, when you hit 60 so much changes.... I am still wondering where my life went.  Do I want to continue to play these games with men, that can't be available emotionally???  NO, I really don't.  

So, what to do now..... and then what if my up north guys decides to come back to me?  I look at this last year like this.... he is not moving forward, he knows he should but evidently likes feeling sorry for himself, and continues to make excuses for his miserable life.  I can no longer be a part of that scenario.... I believe the Italian kept my mind from going there.  Yes, I will still be a friend, but nothing more.  I am not sure I can ever go there again.  I deserve more!  I have to believe this, and give the New Yorker a chance.  The Italian should stay a friend, not sure I should see him any more.  This could be just a lust thing.  I mean I knew going into that he didn't want to be in love, told me he couldn't do it again, ever.  Is that what I want?  NO, I want to be in love, I want to be part of a couple, to have a friend that I share life with.  I would be totally cutting myself short if I decide to continue on with him.  I need to not lose myself either.  I need balance.  Time with friends and family, enjoy the moments with each other.  And above all have no expectations and be thankful that God could possibly have a hand in bringing the right man in my life.  

I feel happy.  I choose happiness, daily.  I look forward to each day.  I am so tired I am surprised all these words came out today.  

I pray things go well, and if this is not meant to be it will end, one way or another.  Something tells me though, that this could be a lasting experience.