Still believe in LOVE

I'm moving on with life.  You know the one I feel like I have been in limbo for awhile.  I am trying to get away from the past, and stop questioning why things happen the way they did. I know my heart, I know how I feel.  I am trying to follow my heart, and also allowing my head to make sense of it all.  

Remember the man I told you about that decided he had made a mistake by walking away from me, a few months ago.... yes, the Frenchman that I was going to give the second chance to.  Well, I can't believe the way I feel.  I have stopped communicating so much with the man up north, that I know I still have feelings for, however do not think it will ever change.  The situation he chooses to stay in.  I have listened to him so much, I might need therapy.  I always try to give good advice, to anyone I care about.  I try to be honest, without hurting them.  I have said pretty much all that I can to that man.  It's his life.  We all make choices, and have to live with the decisions we make.  I have realized I can no longer wait around to see what his choice is.  This is not fair to me.  Don't I deserve more???  Don't we all deserve to be happy, to be wanted, and loved by someone who is sure you are their person, to share life with?  

I have had to let my guard down, that I tend to put up when there are matters of the heart.  I still have mistrust when it comes to men.  I want to believe they are not all liars, cheaters, smooth talkers.  I believe for the first time in a long time am letting myself truly feel what's in my heart.  

When I met my Frenchman a few months ago, I felt something.  I felt comfortable, even though we just met, and had only talked a little while.  I felt protected by him.  I felt a genuine spark between the two of us.  So yes, when he walked away after only a few dates, saying due to distance, and he even had said that he didn't think I was for him.  Which I didn't understand, and I felt hurt.  I didn't want him to know that.  I deleted all of his texts, and took him off my call log, as I didn't want to see anything about him.  I thought what have I done, now.... I didn't delete his photos.  I would look at them and wish things were different.  I really didn't want to date anyone else.  I felt like I just need to get off the dating sites, and chill awhile.  So, I went out with someone I felt nothing for.  Just to stay busy. Someone I had dated many years ago.  He was a nice guy, but I just couldn't get into him.  I was still thinking of the Frenchman, who I had the great chemistry with.  However, I do not chase anyone.  Even though he said what we had was rare, and meant to be..... get his words out of my head.  Get on the Harley with someone else, just because.  And yes, I spent time with my girlfriends, and family.  I stopped seeing the Italian.  Still texted, but it was different, and I know that he knows.  He really didn't want to fall in love, which he kept reminding me.... so I told him to get over himself, that I wasn't in love with him.... 

Now I am at a much different place in life, I can"t believe this is actually happening to me.  I believe I am in love...yes, I did say in love.... the second chance I gave my Frenchman, has been so worth it.  It's been almost a month now.  My heart feels so full.  I have a wonderful man who wants me, as in forever.  I am trying to push away the doubts that continue to creep in.  That I am sure is from the past, especially my first husband... so much damage done to me by him.  Well I am no longer that scared girl, but a very grown woman, who is having a birthday tomorrow.     I can't believe I am over 60... and I feel have found the man I am supposed to be with.  I asked God for him, as I was ready to call it quits.  I am no longer on any dating site.  Which is actually a good feeling.  It could become overwhelming.  So many men who you aren't interested in, being very pushy and wanting to "get to know me".  

This blog has been a means of therapy for me, to get through a relationship ending.  Many relationships that ended.  It's made me become very real with myself.  I want to help others not make the same mistakes with men that I have, but we all have to follow our own beat of a drum.  The thing is we all need to take time after the ending to get to know ourselves again.  When writing a dating profile, it asks all kinds of questions about you.  Likes, dislikes, hobbies, etc.... this can be used for getting to know yourself again.  You have to dig down to the young woman you once were, and what you wanted out of life.  It doesn't matter how old you are.  Love can happen to anyone at any time.  My Frenchman told me of his great aunt who is 99, and in love with a man who is 90.  She had a terrible marriage many years ago, was treated very badly, like a lot of us... and she is now in love she said.  

Live your life, stop being afraid.  Continue to pray to God for what you desire.  Remember he made you, he knows you.  Be thankful for what you have, and always help others when you can.  Show compassion.  Be kind, even to those that have wronged you.  Forgive those who have hurt you.  You have no idea where they are in life, in their head.  This is necessary to heal.  Stop living in the past, as that will destroy your future!  Take a step of faith, speak your what's in your heart, as I did..... You just might find your forever person,  and feel great again, let yourself fall in love.  That's what I did.  I am so happy I did.  This Frenchman, his name is Rich, has the most kind and loving heart.  He is generous, and would do anything for me and my family.  He seems sincere, and honest.  I just noticed he even took his old girlfriends off as friends on his Facebook...that says something.  He wants this to work, and so do I.  To grow old together, enjoying life.  

My prayers are with you, that you can move ahead also.  Don't look back, unless what happened to me happens to you... someone from the past comes back, and it turns into a good thing!  You won't know if you don't allow that to take place.  You will know very soon, if that is going anywhere.  

So as I write this on my birthday eve, I am praying for my relationship to possibly turn into more.... such as marriage in the future.  I believe I am ready....