True to Yourself
Life can be so strange some times. There is one thing I've learned, from all my years. Things will never stay the same. They are always changing. There is a saying, "this too shall pass". We usually say this when we are in a difficult time, stressed and wondering why things are going in a totally different direction that what we planned.
Some times we have to be thankful for those detours that we are given. I know it doesn't seem to be in our favor when it happens, but later we can see maybe why it happened the way it did.
Also something I've learned through the years of dating. Be YOU.... true to yourself first and foremost. Have a heart to heart talk with yourself. Think about what is really important what matters. When it comes to dating, stop settling. Yes, it's fine to have compromises, but if it isn't setting right in your soul, then it probably isn't right for you. I'm not saying you can't go out there and just have fun. We all need to do that. But stop throwing yourself into relationships that have red flags, just to not be alone. Alone time is good. If you have read some of my past blog posts, I've spoke on this. I think we learn way more being by ourselves. Yes, go on dates, and enjoy the moments along the way. But never lose sight of who you are and what you want. I am guilty of this! Too much of my life was spent with men I thought I wanted. I wish I could of had as much knowledge and insight back then as I do now. I wish I could get back the years I feel I somewhat wasted. Too many times I went along with what He wanted. Lost myself in situations that I knew weren't for me. I question myself now, as to why I did what I did. I do contribute some of my stupid decisions on alcohol. That was after a second marriage that fell apart, that I should of never been in. Married an alcoholic, who also got into drugs. Why did I think I would be able to fix him?
The only person we can fix is ourself! Being a people pleaser, which I know I still can be.... just not as bad. Saying No isn't a bad thing. It took me quite some time to be able to do that.
I was always the one who tried to do it all. Raise 4 kids, run a household (without much help from husband 1) teach Sunday school to young kids, sing in the music ministry, make meals for any event when it was needed, volunteer for school functions, oh and work.... I never thought I should say No. Like it was a dirty word. Oh, and people wouldn't like me anymore. Was I really that insecure??? Yes, looking back, I know I was.
You see I met my first husband when I was 19. I had been involved in another relationship while in high school, and after high school, we moved in together. That's what everyone was doing. It was the 70's. I had a child young, 17 by another boy, my childhood boyfriend. No this was not a planned baby. I wanted to go to nursing school, and join the peace corp. He basically raped me because he did drugs, and I did not. He was such a cute boy and I just had to be his girlfriend.... Well he got me wasted at a party, and the next few months went by and I thought I was having female issues again, as I had before.... he told me I was pregnant! Of course I was shocked, because in my mind we hadn't had sex.... then he bragged how we had at the party. Which I thought was a dream. Speaking of dreams, there just went mine, when he told me this. And yes.... it was a shock to my family. I was a smart girl, or so they all thought. Well stupid me. Life changed pretty quickly after that. I was in my last year of high school. My mom thought I would be more comfortable going to an alternative school. You know that's where the girls go when they get in a situation like mine.... It was ok, I excelled there. Straight A's. I went back to my regular high school after my son was born. Few more months and I would graduate. Let me tell you something. You really find out who your true friends are, when you go through being pregnant in high school.... I was lucky. Most of my close circle of girls I had as friends were still my friends. Nothing changed, except I had a baby. No, I didn't go off to college as I wanted. I did eventually, but life was no longer just about me. I was no longer first.... it was now about my son. My mother made me accept total responsibility. If my baby cried during the night my mom woke me to care for him. I didn't get to go have the fun my friends were. It was my job to provide for him, so I got a part time job. My mom helped babysit, but I had to pay her.
Yes, I was a 17 year old mother, with this beautiful blond haired big blue eyed boy, who made me grow up very fast.
Some days I used to think he saved me. I was one of the girls in school who wasn't having sex. A lot of others were on the pill and doing it all the time. They would come to school on Monday and talk about it from their weekends. I was jealous that they didn't get pregnant and I did.... but then again, this wasn't a choice I made. My boyfriend made the choice to have sex with me. I didn't stay with him. He was a bad boy, in trouble with the law. I felt I still loved him. What did I know about love back then.... really not much at all.
I fell for another guy while in high school, and he knew I was pregnant and said we would raise my child together. So, I stayed with him and we tried to. Being so young, and then my son's father wanting me back, it didn't work out. I was so confused back then. I never really made any of the right decisions, I feel. I was always doing what everyone else wanted. My mother didn't want me to give up my baby for adoption. She couldn't have more children, so she looked to me I think to fill that hole in her heart. I had a wonderful grandma, and aunt who were so supportive of me. I remember so many nights of crying thinking of what I wanted to do with my life was gone. I had to take care of my son.
So..... back to my first husband.... who I met when I was 19, and my little blonde boy was 2. Another man who wanted me, who told me he would help me with my child. I thought my life had already changed so much already.... well it was about to change so much more, and not for the better.
I realize that everything that has happened to me in my past has made me become the person that I am. I am finally confident, and like myself. So many years of not knowing who I was, did I matter to anyone besides my son. I spent I think 17 years with a man that didn't know who he was. He treated me miserably, and made me feel like I was never going to be good enough for him, or anyone else. So too many years I believed that. It took a long time to recover from his abuse, physically and mentally.
This is why I am saying..... don't forget who you are. You matter! Be true to yourself. Decide what you want in this journey called life. Only allow the ones that respect you, and care about you.
I am finally going in the right direction in life. I am in love with a wonderful man, who I can trust, and be myself with. I will never be perfect, and neither will you.
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