More Alone Time ....... What again ?

 Are there times you want to just drive away?

So much craziness still going on in the world. 
I'm so overdue for a road trip!  Part of me just wants to pack a bag and just drive north...I always feel better that way. I was born in Grayling Mi.    The gateway to the north they say.   I feel like I need to clear my head.
Exercise could help, but as soon as I see those pine and birch trees I release stress and anxiety.  I am mostly alone all week, working,  helping with grandkids so I'm not really lonley..... And I'm in a relationship but I am feeling very ALONE.   

In the past month I have realized the man I am engaged to, is not who I fell in love with.  I feel distance more than the miles where we live.   When we got back together a year ago, last July 4, I really thought we were going to work out.  This is who I want for my life partner. 
Months went by and things were good.   I found him generous and kind.  Positive and easy going.   What the hell happened?   I know we were going through covid like lockdown, a lot of States were.   We continued to see each other, as we had become engaged at Christmas.   Seems like after Valentine's day things started changing. The virus was going on in March so we couldn't go to the movies, restaurants, concerts.... Couldn't do much of anything but stay home watch movies, play a game..... I don't know if this had anything to do with us.....  I  just know things started feeling different.    I think in May he started talking about distance again!   My car had been back and forth for repairs and he told me he didn't like driving over here that much.   Wow, huh.   That doesn't sound to me like a man that is in love with me at all.   I remember when he asked me to give the  relationship another chance that we would work it out!  Well I do think I've done my fair share of driving his way, but evidently to him not enough.   Last weekend we had a talk about us going forward..... I was told that he really really loves me.... Weird I don't feel that anymore.   I was upset that he wants to sell the Harley which he desperately wanted last July so we could ride together. I was thrilled that he got a bike.   But now hes changed His mind doesn't want it, and he really never discussed it with me.   But I was supposed to be so included before about decisions and now I wasn't.  he said it was his,  and he said he would .make money.   He needed to figure out where he was going to live in 3 months.   Everything has changed
He doesn't want to live in my house, he hates the water, doesn't like the town, can't be away from his job or daughter and her family.    So those plans are no more! 
That was what we had discussed and that's not what he wants!    Does it even MATTER what I want or how I feel? 
I don't believe it does.   I will never mean anything like his daughter does to him.   Its all about her and her kids, her life.   Ha funny thing is she's the one who put him on the dating site we met on.   Does  she feel he needs to live very close to her?   I don't know.  I think he has terrible guilt from his boys from his first marriage so he has went overboard on thr only grown up daughter from second marriage
My God his mother had lived with him over 10 years!  Talk about letting go of apron strings.... 

I'm at a loss right now.  The happiness I thought I had is no longer there.   The future I was told to look forward to isn't that anymore.   I feel I'm to give up my life that I have, and  live what he wants.  I feel like it doesn't matter to him, as long as he has what he wants!   
I've been here before a few times and its a sick feeling.  

So I guess I just needed to put it in writing.  I've got a decision to make.   I just know I can't sell my house any time soon, it needs work.   This house is my HOME.  I got this on my own.  I have been happy here.  Its a great quiet neighborhood.  He said he's doing this for both of us to not move in with me.  Saying if he puts money into my house what if I change my mind about him?  Wow what a negative mindset.... Talk of breaking up before we are really together.  Said he's been married twice and they both left, so now hold that against me! 

I swear I could kick myself I feel like once again I've been fooled. I really thought uu was the right guy, now I'm not feeling that, like I did.   

That engagement ring has been off my finger all week, part of the reason was my hands were swelling due to the heat.   But then I felt somewhat of a release.  

I want to enjoy my life what I have left.  I don't want to sit inside and drink coffee and watch the news.  I want to be outside and listen to nature with  my coffee.  I wanted to be on a Harley on a sunny day, on a country road.  Its something I've always enjoyed, and now he's taking that away too.  

I'm thinking he's not the guy that I fell for.  So yes, I want to get in my car and drive north....and not look back...