THE LOVE STORY ENDS ?????

It's been quite awhile since I have wrote anything..... I have done some journaling about I am currently going through, I am sure others have been where I am.  

Let's go back to over a year or so ago,   The May meeting in 2019 of a man that I really thought I could spend the rest of my life with.  You know that first impression you get ?  He made my heart really skip a beat, in a different way than the man up north or the Italian.  I wanted to get to know him more, I wanted to see where our life would go.  Everything sounded so good, so many things in common, we seemed to have a lot of the same morals, and values.  But then after a few weeks of dating, he walked away.  Said I was an amazing woman, but not for him.  A big part of the break up was the distance.  We were over an hour away from each other.  Wow, like that was a big deal.... it baffled me... but I decided to let him go, and not reach out.  I guess he went on a couple of dates with other women and then he asked himself what he was doing, because.... this is his story, he found what he was looking for in me.... so it was a month or so and we connected again, on the same dating site we met on,,  He started texting me daily and then a few more times, daily.  Never a call.... which actually I don't mind at first but I think it's nice to chat on the phone once in a while.  Well, he didn't.  

He asked me to meet him, it was on the 4th of July.  I had worked that day and told him yes, I could drive out of town to meet.  I went to Ann Arbor, and when I got there, he was standing outside his car.  He asked if he could hug me, and I agreed a hug would be nice.  

So it went from there, a little food, some drinks, and conversation.  He asked if we could try dating again.  Part of me thought maybe I should give it more time but then life is short, why wait...... what I am going through right now, is probably why I should of put the brakes on a little.  

For months things between us were good, actually great.  Like 6 months of feeling in love!  Meeting each others family, and putting them together went so well.  Everyone got a long so good.  I thought sure this was meant to be.  He had said that to me, at the start.  

We had talked about marriage, which he didn't think he wanted again, and I wasn't exactly sure. He said yes, he wanted to with me.  And I said the same....  We started looking at engagement rings.  Online and in the stores.  I liked the princess cut which is square, and infinity band.  Well he found one, and surprised me on Christmas day, in front of his family, at his place.  My son Travis was there as well, and guess he told him that morning.  

Now so many things are going through my head.  We had been with my family as well as his a few days before for a party.  Why didn't he ask then?  Or on Christmas eve?  Why was it with his family and not all most of mine?  

I am now starting to realize so many times it is all about HIM.  Our relationship has changed.  I don't feel in love anymore.  I love him, but he has hurt me, and I am not even sure he realizes it.  The proposal was just the start.  

By Valentines day, I still felt in love.  He had beautiful flowers waiting for me when I arrived at his place, and took me to a wonderful dinner.  He also bought me a very pretty necklace.  Not really anything I wear very often though.  I remember going to bed that night, thinking I am so lucky to be with him !  Finally a man who appreciates me and shows me !  

Well, a virus came upon all of the world by March, of this past year.  It is still taking its toll on many people, financially, mentally, health wise.  So, we stopped going out to dinner as our Friday night date.  We might of got take out, but it wasn't the same.  

And then his stomach issues started on and off.  This is still going on.  I begged him in June to go to another dr.  Fianlly he did in Aug.  Ran a lot of tests, really didn't find anything.  And then more tests.  And of course he is complaining about how much all this is costing.  All I could think was, you need to figure out your health issues.  

Our life when we are together has changed.  I no longer feel happy even going to see him.  Our love life hasn't really been there, due to him always feeling sick.  Couldn't do much at all this summer, as he couldn't leave the house for very long.  So, I did my own thing with my friends and family when I could.  I was trying to be understanding and patient, but feeling more and more frustrated.  

I talked him into buying a house.  Only because he had changed our entire plan of moving with me, helping fix my house, and gradually looking for a house.  Yes, he had changed his mind, and guess he forgot to tell me..... for months.  He couldn't afford a house in between our kids, so he went closer to his daughter, his work, his life.  And now he knows I am not leaving my home anytime soon, because I need to do some repairs to be able to rent it..... Well, in my mind right now, I do not see myself moving, at all.  

For the last few months I feel that he has taken me for granted so much, and not listening to any of my needs.  He expects me to give up my life, for him.  I can't do it.  You see before I met him I was not unhappy with myself.  I just felt that I wanted more.  I wanted the companion to do things with.  To have adventures with.  To share moments.  To grow old together, and be there for each other.  

For months I have known I need to have a discussion with him over all of this, but of course I have said nothing because he was too stressed out...first it was his mother living with him, then his job-always his job.... overworked, and his health issues, and then moving...blah blah blah....I am coming to realize when will be the right time to talk ???  We always have stress of some kind going on.  He acts as though I have nothing to be stressed about.  I have plenty, I have to dish out money out of my savings to repair things in my house, that he told me he would help with, and now he isn't..... I have my own bills to pay, my own health issues, my jobs, my family, my friends who aren't doing well..... I am trying to clean unnecessary things out of my garage and basement at the help and urging of my youngest son.  My fiance stayed away, and when he was here did not volunteer any help at all.  So made me realize even more, YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN, GIRL.... maybe I need to take a step back.  I have done a lot for him for months, actually since the start of our relationship, and I do not feel that he is giving back to me..... this SUCKS!!!!   

We can't seem to agree lately on family matters, like him doing for his daughter and son in law, all the time, but they don't do much of anything in return.... I mean he just got his 26 year old married daughter off his phone plan a few months ago...she's been married for 5 years!  He said I have had her on my plan since she was14..... ok, and she's a grown up now, so cut the cord!!!!  The latest happened just this week.... and it has put a real cramp in our relationship....he has loaned his car to them for over 2 years, as he has a company truck to drive.... but its for work not personal... he used to have his moms car then he took that to Florida, with her,.so we use my car a lot... and that is starting to bother me.... so he needs his car to come my way or do whatever after work hours.... well, there was an accident and his son in law is at fault... he rear ended someone...and then said the guy he hit took off.  I don't believe that for one minute.... I think he took off, so no police report to turn into insurance, even though there is full coverage on the car.... OK, can we say ENOUGH!  Stop enabling these grown up kids to use you.... it's always an argument whenever I would bring it up.... pretty much has told me what he does for them is his business, not mine.... so RED FLAG.... we are engaged to be married, but you will do whatever and I have no say???? 

I have some major soul searching to do.  I do not feel he is thinking of us at all as a couple.... it's his life, and his wants.... not mine.... 

So, this love story might be coming to an end.... I do not think he will listen when I try to express my concerns...and of course all his communication is by TEXTS!  Which I hate, and I told him last weekend.  We need better communication...especially when he left me hanging on a Friday night as to if he was coming over or not, It had been a month since he was at my place, I had taken him to dr appointments, eye surgery, did his grocery shopping,  helped pack his things to move, make nice meals, cleaned his old place and the place he moved to, bought his stuff for the new house, and he did say  I was amazing, and he couldn't of done all these things without me.... but then to leave me hanging, and then not come over until the next day.... NO not fair, and totally wrong to treat someone that you love that way.  I would never do that! 

I'm really starting to think he doesn't love me much any more at all.  Part of me feels he doesn't want to be alone, and doesn't want to date, so just keep me around ?  

Like I said soul searching I need time to myself.  I need to reevaluate this entire situation.  Maybe everything just went too fast.... oh, and he said we needed to live together a year before marriage also.... yes, stop bitching Deb, and figure it out.... as I don't think anything with him is going to change.... it's very disappointing!  And I do feel a little heartbroken as well.... 

My advice is this, give dating a year or so before being engaged.... don't spend every weekend with him, continue your own life with your family and friends.  
Speak up, don't wait as long as I have when things aren't going well.  I was told by the man up north I need to stop settling.... and I need to read my self help relationship books again.... he's right, and I hate that he is.  And he knows I still value what he has to say to me, because yes he knows me well, and he does care.  He's upset that another man has the chance to have a good life with me, and is totally taking me for granted.  He wishes his life could be different but it won't.  I gave up that idea years ago.  That is why I was on dating sites.... I just don't think I want to go through any of that again.....