LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!!!!!!

                            

                                            

My grandma always told me, Debi Kay you need to listen to your gut!  

So many times those words have echoed in my head when making decisions.  Those things that just didn't feel right..... well a few weeks ago, I listened and I left.   I hadn't been happy for months with my fiance.  I kept trying to feel happy, and I'm not saying there weren't some glimpes of hope.  I loved him, didn't I?  Yes, I did, and I still do.  This was a man that I thought I could spend the rest of my life with.  We didn't have a horrible toxic relationship, however there wasn't good communication, on his end.  I had told him a few times in the past.  The way he communicated with me the most wasn't by listening to my voice on the phone.  Most all of our discussions were by text messaging.... which I really didn't like or appreciate.  Yes, I enjoyed the Good morning texts, I love you, have a good day.  And the Good night babe, I love you, sleep well.... those were fine.  And actually right now after , I do miss.  After 18 months of having someone in your life, you get used to it.... and then nothing.   Was this man I loved a heartless bastard, like so many others that are out there?  Or was he hurt that I left, and he didn't know how to handle it, so he was playing the silent treatment, ignoring me, even though he has read the emails I sent over and over ?  

Was I going to get the closure I needed or not?  He read the I'm sorry email 42 times, the last time being a week ago.... and the other one where I told him exactly how I felt for months, how he seemed to be selfish when he changed all of our life plans, he read that like 27 times, the last time on that one was last Thursday night at midnight.... he's never usually awake then, he falls asleep on the couch or chair by 9:30!  Why did I think he was going to respond to me.... well, I did a little detective work, you know like a private dick, lol.... I knew who is ex girlfriend was before me, so I contacted her by Facebook... She answered.  Do I think it was a good idea.  Yes, I needed answers as to his behavior.  The way he was treating me, was it a pattern, or just me ?  I always start to have doubts after a break up, like what could I have done differently... maybe I should of been more patient, understanding...and I liked that he was family orientated...however you do not need to see your grown married daughter constantly.... I understand you want to be a part of her life, and her kids... no problem.  And of course he would remind me why he moved to Michigan.  To be closer to his daughter... or could it be he was fired from yet another job?  He needed to go elsewhere again... I mean he had only moved like 6 times in like 6 years.... And 5 of those years his ex had packed up and moved with him.  He didn't just move local, he moved from state to state.  Talk about stress.  When he moved this last October because I said seeing how you plan to stay in Michigan you should buy your own house.  Well the plan was for him to move with me when his lease was up, for maybe a year.  Put money into my house, and we both look for the right house towards the middle of our kids.  He changed his mind, I think around June before his mom left, but really wasn't too verbal to me about it.  He decided to sell the Harley that he just had to have last July, after we had gotten back together.  He already had it advertised for sale before he even discussed it with me.... this is where I really started to question us being together as a couple.  He had said that was our bike, we will look for our house, his money was our money.... I have no idea what happened.  He started to have a real attitude.  I asked why he was selling it... and he said I can make money... well he got greedy and someone offered him a little less than he asked and he refused.  Then he had someone else that sounded like a scammer.  So, he ended up taking way less!  He also said it was his bike and he would do what he wanted!  And not in a very nice tone.... first it was you know all texts conversations, and then when we were together on a weekend.  I started to see this other side of him.  He said well maybe I can help put some of this money into your house.  I said ok.... thank you... well that idea went out his head quickly.  After he took his mother back to Florida, and left her there with the car he shared he told me he wasn't going to put any money in my house or move with me, because he had 2 wives that left him and I might do the same and then where would he be ?  

Wow, he was negative about our relationship.... like I've said so many things started to change within a few months of after that engagement ring was on my finger.  I kept letting them go, but I became more and more frustrated.  I could never have much of a discussion with him because all I heard every day was my stomach hurts, my job is so stressful..... I'm overworked... so, I didn't want to stress him more... BUT... what about ME????   Did he even think about what he was doing to me, and our relationship ?  I had always tried to be patient and understanding, but I really started to feel used in so many ways.  

I won't bore you with all the details of the day I left... but it was his birthday, the day after Thanksgiving.  I went there and made dinner for his family.  Yes, they all thanked me but as soon as the meal was over they all had to smoke weed... no, I'm not really that into it, and I had backed away the last couple of months.  It sometimes makes me feel lazy, and I don't need that.  Even though I had one of my most stressful few weeks before this day...The first part of November after we acually had a nice weekend together, just us....It stated with him pretty much telling me that we were going to make food for Thanksgiving and take it to his daughter and son in laws house.... Ok, I will be very blunt.... I never liked making any food there, which I have done a few times before.  It is dirty, there are 2 large dogs, and there is crap all over the place.  Hardly any counter space to do anything.  So I said No I don't want to do that.  OMG then a war was on.... he was so mad at me, of course this is all through texts, with his capital letters and exclamation points.... I started realizing I was trying to make things easier by making a nice Thanksgiving at the new house that has more space, is clean, etc.... well I guess they didn't want to come at first, and just was going to stay home... but he couldn't go along with that.  So he told them I would make food and take it 23 minutes away to their place.  He told them this without asking me, and then was angry when I didn't agree.  I ran into an old friend and had coffee with her, and I told her of my situation.  She said he doesn't have any loyalty to you it's all for his daughter.  He will continue to put her first before you all the time, do you want to live that way?  This was a good friend that knew me over 30 years, when we were young, married and raised our kids together.  She also helped me through my divorce from my abusive, cheating husband.... so yes she knew me well.  She already knew what I had went through for years, and she was so right.  I didn't want to be an after thought, and that's how I had been treated.  It didn't seem that way at the start of our relationship, but then I really thought more and he had been literally cramming them into our life like we couldn't have our own time.... we needed to get to know each other more as a couple.... and then his mom living with him for the first 11 months...so when I went to his place there was never any privacy.... she was always right there, into our conversations, etc.... a lot of times we included her when going to dinner, etc.  I didn't mind that so much.  But she did start to get on my nerves... where I said to him because he had been fighting with her, and put me in the middle.. I told him I wasn't coming over for a while.  I said I am not enjoying being there.  I come to spend time with you, and you are fighting with your mom. He told me he had put up with it for 10 years I could put up with it a few weekends!  Wow, I thought.... do I really have to??? No, I'm not married yet... I can stay home and have peace.  Another attitude... 

I thought after his mom left our life would be better as he had promised.  Hmmm so much for that.... then he would want his daughter and son to have plans with us.  I was told to make certain foods for his daughter, you know she was pregnant and craving stuff.... even though it's summer she wants food you cook in the oven... and whatever she wants he always makes sure she gets.  Well I made the food, and we went there.  I wasn't feeling well.  Her husband made these horrible burgers, that weren't even cooked well enough... I barely ate.  He started drinking after dinner, a few.... they wanted to play cards,  We had a bonfire for a little while, then went in.  I really just wanted to leave my stomach felt awful.  I sat on the couch while they played cards.... He never asked how I was, his daughter did. I thought all this time I have put up with your stomach issues, and you have no compassion for me,. I got my keys to my car from him to go sit in my car and charge my phone.  I wanted to call his mom and check on the dog as it had been awhile of being there... That's another time she told me that it's all about his daughter.  They were other times as well, but guess I didn't want to believe it.  Thinking back on this too, even though his daughter would be in the wrong, he would defend her no matter what, and yell at his mom..... it was hard to watch.  I started to feel so bad for her.  I knew she was leaving soon to go to Florida.  I thought he's just stressed of having his mom around... I get it.  I find out even more after I talk to his ex girlfriend.  He had always done this through the years!  She clarified so much for me.  

Where do I start..... wow, he was a major liar.  He had been talking to his ex until right before he got with me in July 2019.  He had begged her to move with him to Michigan, even after he was there.  She said he videoed the mobile home he was living in and showed her, trying to convince her to come.  So when he walked away from me that May, he thought maybe she might change her mind and be with him again.  Well she didn't.  She had breast cancer and it was worse.  She had had it 3 times before.  He had told me she had it but he acted like she was fine.  She said 6 months after he left, it came back and she wanted to repair the relationship with her daughter, and be around her mother.  So for years she wasn't with her family or friends.  It was all about him.  What he wanted.  She did that on off for 10 years!  She was a very pretty woman.... when he met her he was still married to his daughters mother, but she had cheated on him twice (that he knew of)  I'm sure she just got tired of his behavior and went elsewhere.  His ex girlfriend paid for his divorce, bailed him out other times with housing, etc... he kept losing jobs, and would move to another state.... he also left her a couple of times and would move in with other women.  He even asked her to help him move back to her place when that woman was at work.... I asked her why did you continue to do this ????  She said I loved him, I still do...he would of had to beat me to make me leave him... wow, I thought that is just sad.  She had just one daughter, that came from a very loveless marriage, she had her later in life.  But here she was moving all over the place to please my ex fiance.... she has rebuilt that relationship now, but all those years... oh and when he moved in with her after the divorce she said Yes, everything was about his daughter and she was so mean to her daughter..... can we say Spoiled brat???  She also told me that she was working when she met him.  But between cancer treatments and moving every year it was difficult to have a job.  She said she had other income so she wasn't living off him completely, like I had been told by him and his daughter.  Also I was told that when he left Florida that they weren't even in a relationship, more like friends.... Well NO, not true.... and he said he hadn't talked to her since he left 9 months before, only on Facebook.  He told her that his daughter put him on a dating site.  In July when we got back together she told him when she saw a picture of us together, that she was happy for him, but she wasn't going to watch it evolve on Facebook... He blocked her... he basically told me she was stalking him... oh, and she had begged him to marry her... which yup is another lie.  She said they had both been married twice, and the agreed not to marry.  So he has lied about all kinds of things to me.  She said he was very selfish and controlling, and when he didn't get his way he would have a hissy fit...her words... so sad.... to waste all those years with someone that didn't truly appreciate you..../So my investigating was to both our benefit!  I just didn't realize all that he did to her, he was starting to do to me.... and now this poor lady is very ill.   That's another thing he heard last Dec that she was ill again, and worse.  At first I wondered if it was true because remember he led me to believe she was stalking him, so was it really true...and the way he talked before she was fine.. I told him he should contact her, and he said NO.  She had a mastectomy just in 2017, shortly after he lost another job and they moved back to Florida.  Well not that long, he lost that job there too... so he said he was going to be near his daughter.  He begged her to go.  She wasn't well... and wanted to repair her relationship with her daughter.  She couldn't follow him anymore!  She was done.  

So I've come to realize, he is a heartless bastard.... a liar, a player, a user, a very unhealthy person to be in a relationship with.  He seems to go from woman to woman, so I am sure he won't be alone long.  

I know I made the right decision to walk out that door now.  It still hurts, and I feel like a fool again.  But he's very good at playing the Real nice guy, and people fall for it.  I sure did.  He and many other men and women need to realize what they are doing... like I said I didn't feel like he loved me any more, he just didn't want to date any more.  Because we were both older, he almost had me convinced I might be able to work it out because no I didn't want to date either.... but on that day I left, he had me so upset I couldn't be there one more minute.  He screamed at me over getting his cake and dinner, so his daughter and her family could come back over.... He threw a tantrum like a child, saying it was his birthday and he wanted his family with him!  He invited them for cake, that I was making.... without asking me the night before... I had planned it just to be the two of us, but he couldn't have that... they were just there the day before.... I knew this is the way it would always be... and not to mention I had one of the worst headaches ever, the one you just want to lay down... but I was trying to help him put up his Christmas tree, and I took a walk to get fresh air, but he started making demands on me about getting his food at a certain time for them...so it wasn't about us, I had to plan it around them, yet again.... which I had enough of.  He said you always do this when it comes to my family!  I told him I thought it was to be just us today, and you didn't discuss it with me, as usual.....  

I remember trying to talk to him more about us,  and there was no talking he just yelled at me and told me I should of planned better, I had all day!  I had the cake in the oven, just made the pudding for it, was trying to finish the dishes from breakfast I had made him, and the dishes from Thanksgiving the day before...and still had a horrible headache, which he knew as soon as we woke that day.... 

So am I questioning myself about leaving him?  Not so much after talking to his ex girlfriend.... I'm sure all the stress that poor woman went through with him didn't help the cancer she had.... and how could he leave her like that, to be with his daughter?  Yes, she was going to have her first child, I get it.... but here was a woman that had been pretty much dedicated to you, and took you back when you left to be with other women, and helped pay your bills..... because he is a very SELFISH jerk!  No wonder he has stomach issues, which she said he didn't have when she was with him, but his daughter said he did... seems strange... she lived with him, I think she would know.... 

I'm not going to lie, Christmas was a little tough....I've been talking to an old friend I worked with who liked me, and the Italian I dated before making the decision to be with this loser.... it helps... do I love him...a little... but in time that will go away.... they always say the way to get over a guy is get under another one... Ha.... I don't think I am going to do that anytime soon.... but I sure could handle some passionate kisses from that beautiful Italian man again.... who seems to be moving on with his life.... I am not sure I could of done anything different.  It is now obvious to me, he was doing to me the same that he's probably done to any woman he's been involved with.  I'm glad I didn't loan him any money.... 

So I told myself after the new year, I have to stop talking of him.  I just need to move on.  I want to enjoy life again.  With my family, with my friends, and with myself!  Maybe there will be a real honest to goodness man for me again, but the jury is still out on that.  I had thought I really found the one.... 

Like I said, don't give so much of yourself, you will lose yourself.  Love yourself, do nice things for yourself, stop wasting your time and money, and your heart on people that don't deserve it!  Another lesson learned.... oh, and I finally heard from the boyfriend I had for almost 5 years, that got me started writing this blog.... he finally told me he was sorry for the way we ended.  He said he still cared about me and my family.  I told him I cared too, and if he wanted to reach out, I'd be here... I doubt he will.  He was probably drinking and  got the courage, as I felt to send him a Merry Christmas yesterday.... didn't think I would hear back but I did.  So maybe that's the closure I needed from him, long overdue, but at least I got it.... 

Need to keep a positive mind, even with all the election crap still going on, and the virus, which I don't think is as bad as they are making it.... our Governor has restaurants and bars and some other things closed again until Jan 15, and I am sure she will continue... hard to date anyone when you can't socialize.... 

I am saying my prayers daily for his ex girlfriend.  She said this will help her move on as well.  She said I am an angel sent to her.  I think she has had a very heavy heart and she needed to let it out.  Life is not fair, in so many ways.  It breaks my heart thinking that he took advantage of her, so much.  But she allowed it.  We have to take a step back and look at the big picture and make the best decision for our own lives... hopefully that is what I did.... time will tell.  I do feel better talking to her this past week.  So she has gained a friend.... isn't that we are supposed to do, make a difference in another person's life?  I will continue to try, no matter what.... I am not going to let him or any man steal my peace again... Be blessed everyone..... Happy New Year!