MOVING ON..... and other situations....

My emotions have been all over the place somedays.  I am not going to sugar coat it..... Breaking up, walking away from a relationship that you truly thought was to be your Happy Ever After.... SUCKS!  

I know I am a strong woman, I have been through all kinds of shit, and I mean that... because some of the stuff in life, was exactly that, it stunk, and made me sick to my stomach.  

I have never spoke much about my childhood to many people... but I have been thinking a lot about why I seem to pick the men I do.  I went through stuff in life, that I learned to tolerate bad behavior.  

I was sexually abused.  Not really like rape, not as a child anyway, that came later in my teens and another time.... it was just touching in a VERY WRONG WAY!  This was done by 2 members of my family, that I should of been able to trust.  I can't remember exactly when it started, and how.  One was my step grandfather, my step father's dad... he would want to sit with you on the couch when the other adults usually his wife, my mom, and step dad were in the kitchen chatting.  He tried to touch me where he shouldn't... I did not let that ever happen again.  However, I never told anyone back then.  This was in the late 60's, I don't remember how old I was. Old enough to know no one should touch me there!  

I kept it a secret until later years, when I found out he touched one of my sisters, and female cousins.  

What a SICK, SICK man.  I pretty much stayed away from him as much as I could.  I would ask to go outside to play no matter what the weather.  I barely hugged him good bye.  

Well, I had thought I would never have to deal with that again.  But I did. My stepfather started to come into my room at night and try to touch me, and tell me he was going to make me feel good... just thinking about this and typing it, makes me sick to my stomach..... that went on a few times, because he usually woke me.  I told him he better never do it again, because I was going to tell his wife, my mother.  He said she won't believe you.... Bastard..... well instead I told my favorite aunt and Grandma-mom's mom.  They tried to confront my mom and tell her what had happened.  I remember them yelling at each other, as I listened through the register from my bedroom upstairs.  My mom didn't want to believe it.  I think this was just one of the reasons I wasn't that close to her.  I chose to rely on my aunt and grandma, for any advice and help with decisions in the future.  

They believed it to be true.  I also told them of my step father's dad doing it.  They were so mad, and I remember there was crying by all of us.  

In later years I would find out that my step father had been in prison.  I was never told the reason, but I think it was something sexual.  I also found out that he had touched both of my sisters!  So I guess when I told him I would tell, he went to my sisters.  We all had different fathers.  My youngest sister, though, was HIS child!  I was an adult when I learned of this.  It was when he was sick, and dying of cancer.  My middle sister never forgave him, and I believe that is one reason why she became ill as well.  You can't heal, unless you forgive.  You won't forget, and you can disassociate yourself from who has wronged you, but in order to heal emotionally, forgiveness is needed.  As a child we are taught to forgive pretty easily, for little things.... but this was not a little thing!  Sexual abuse damages our future.  It breaks our spirit.  It takes years to deal with the pain another has caused us.  Especially someone who is a family member, that we are to trust and love.  

I have been through many counseling sessions to deal with many abuses, this being one of them.   I think I have mentioned my first husband was very abusive, emotionally and physically.  He treated me like garbage.  He broke my nose while he was drunk.  He broke my jaw by slapping my face when I yelled at him to ask where in hell he had been with our only car, while our 3 month old baby was very ill, and I had to get a friend to take us to the emergency room.  I do not know why I put up with so much as long as I did.  Part of this I do believe was due to the sexual abuse as a child.  I learned to keep quiet, and tolerate.... 

I have always been a people pleaser.  I think it is just part of my nature.  I am also a caregiver.  I once read a book on characteristics and the type of person you are.  I have always wanted to help people in any way I can.  I have a heart for others.  I have been taken advantage of far too many times especially by men.  

So, I am trying to figure out why I am choosing the men I do.... I am not saying the men I have had a relationship with are all bad.   I believe Mr S was a good man, he was very emotional, though, worse than a woman.  He had a mother, even though I believe she was a good person, made him live in fear.  He was afraid to live life, in so many ways.  He told me that and I told him, you need to learn to believe that God will help you with this.  His mom didn't really believe in God, she believed in something, like her visions... well she passed away too young, and in a bad situation.  I don't think she envisioned that.  I am not trying to talk ill of her, but she made some bad decisions, that led to her dying.  When she passed, Mr S literally fell apart.  He had always been a momma's boy.  He started drinking excessively and wasn't taking care of himself.  He had some other issues as well.  I was planning to leave the relationship the year before.  I stayed, only to have him tell me a year later, when I turned 60, that he thought we should just be friends.  

It was almost a 5 year relationship, and we had discussed marriage, and we were friends for a year before that.  I cared deeply about him, and he was a good boyfriend in many ways.  I have realized this after leaving the engagement I had with the Frenchman.... 

Which brings me to this.... I have questioned in my mind if I did the right thing.  Couldn't we have discussed the issues, and worked through them ?  I am reminded by my friends, and his ex girlfriend, that he didn't want to put the work into the relationship.  He was terrible at communication, wanted to control any situation, made decisions of what he wanted, and I was expected to agree, even though I didn't.  I was in a relationship like a teenager-mostly all communication by text message.  Hardly EVER a phone call.  Texts can be taken wrongly.  He had rules, and expected me to follow them.  I was told NO DRAMA... what a joke that is, drama happens, it is part of life.  We can not control everything around us.  It matters how we deal with it.  A life without drama isn't realistic.  He wanted us to live together for a year before marriage.... there was just too much negative energy with him.  He acted like I shouldn't make my own decisons.  And of course his daughter was always first, no matter what... So did I make the right decision to leave the relationship.  

YES, a thousand times YES.  

I also think his God meter was turned off.  He didn't pay attention when things happened.  I call them God things.... like his son in law wrecking the car when he was driving stoned.... I knew something like that was going to happen.  He ignored so many things that were wrong.  

So now where do I go from here.... Do I tell myself I should just stay single???

 A new friend told me I need time to work on myself, I am on my own journey and maybe I don't need the distraction of a man.  

I have been talking to a guy I dated long ago.  He would contact me here and there... actually about 15 years ago he asked me to marry him.  I was in shock, as this was the last guy I would ever expect to hear those words from.  I remember calling a couple of my best friends and saying I can't believe what just happened!  I don't think I would of said yes, I had just started dating another man for a few months, and things I thought were going ok, so I wanted to give that a chance.  Well that didn't work out later down the road.  He never really got over his ex.  He is now married to her again.... 

As of right now, this man, I will just call him the electrician, hasn't contacted me today.  He stayed in contact with me all this past week, and we were supposed to go to dinner last night.  He cancelled.  Saying he wanted to see a friend that was in town for the night.  I don't know it could of been a woman.... I am not reaching out to him.  I had said we can do it another time, maybe today... he said yes, sounds good.... but here I am, no call or text today.  

So, when things like that happen I get tired of dealing with the bullshit from men.  I hate when they can't commit to a lousy date.  I had told him already that he left me hanging before.  

My Italian had been contacting me every day since the break up.  The last few weeks he hasn't as much.  He has a lot of stress on him right now, emotionally and financially.  So, I am letting him be.  I still hear from him, just not as much.  I know he is still grieving the loss of his son from 3 years ago, it was this past month.  He knows he can reach out to me, he knows I care, and I am here if he wants to talk.  He stays constantly busy to try and not think.  

I think for now, I just want a  man to have dinner with, once in a while, do some fun things with.  I am not ready for a relationship.  This last one really did a number on me.  I really had thought I found my prince.  Only to realize I got the frog!  

Can we be happy without a man?  YES... I have a busy life.  I do get a little lonely.  and to have real sex again would be nice.  But I don't want it to be just that.  

Do I still love the man up north...yes, and that will never go anywhere.  I still hear from him a few times a month.  He's not happy with his life, but there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.  I've tried.  

It's his decision, to stay in the life he has./  

So, moving on....I am trying to focus on myself, my health, working out, eating better, spending time with family and friends.  Reading self help books, and listening to them as well.  

I do want a man, but I don't need one to live.  Didn't you know Men are just desserts?  My aunt had given me a book that was called this... I loaned it to a friend and never got it back.  It was I believe wrote in the 80's.  Basically saying, a dessert is something nice to have now and then, but it needs to be pleasing to us. It is at the end of the feast, of your own self directed life.  Look this book up.... I just did it is by Sonya Friedman.  I might order it and read it again.  

So, I will look in the mirror, and love myself, and ask God every day where my path is going.  I know I am not supposed to be alone.  I am getting older, and being alone isn't really what I want.  I do however want to really pay attention to any man that seems interested in me.  Are there red flags ?  No one is perfect, I am far from it, as well.  I do however think I have a lot to offer the right guy if he treats me right.  I am so tired of the games, the lies, the disappoint.  

I am moving on.......