SELF DISCOVERY .....

So it's been a few weeks of yet more time with myself.... which is a good thing.  I actually went back on 2 dating sites, Tinder, where I had met the Italian, 2 years ago, and Zoosk, where I met the ex-fiance, 2 years ago.  Not much has changed on those sites.... and I realize yet again, some men over 50 look sooooo much older.... of course I am older too, however I at least try to look better, than my age.  I've said it before I'll say it again, what happens to these guys, when they hit 50?  Some just completely let themselves go, couch potatoes, the pictures they post are the worst... and then the stuff they write.  Some are so dysfunctional, and I want to write them and say, You do realize this is like a job interview?  You're interviewing to meet someone who could potentially become your partner in life.  You're not making a very good impression!  It's crazy.  And some of the ones that write me..... I'm thinking wow, am I desperate???  NO!  I don't want to be too judgemental, but I know this much about myself, I am an attractive woman, I try to take care of myself, no, I'm not at my ideal weight and don't know if I ever will be.... but I have a good sense of humor, have a lot to offer the right man.  I am a good cook, I keep a clean house, I like to enjoy life.  I am family orientated, to a point,  just need to remember can't do everything someone else's daughter says.... yes, bad joke..... anyway..... I am probably going off those sites very soon.  

I actually have been talking to cute guy, that I will call My Nerd.... he is a computer software engineer, very smart, handsome, and funny, We seem to hit it off on the site, right away... we chatted a few hours and then both of our screens on our phones were freezing.  I asked if he wanted to keep talking, and he said he sure did... so I gave him my cell number.... I figured if he turned out to be a weirdo, I'd block him and be done.  Well, he doesn't seem to be that, quite the opposite.  He seems sweet, and kind....they all start out that way, right ?  Loves to cook, and said he would cook for me anytime.... that might be nice for a change.... or both of us cook together, even more fun.  You know like a Lifetime movie, and they fall in love right there over the pasta..... yea, right..... I'm a realist, the romantic part of me lately is taking a back seat.  So, we have been talking every day for the last week.  He is younger by a few years, a divorced dad of a daughter who lives with her mom out of state.  Not sure why he is in Michigan, I think it was probably work related, and he wanted a change after the divorce 3 years ago.  He's a busy guy who hasn't dated much.  Said he was ready to cancel Tinder and then saw me, and thought he would reach out.  I had evidently swiped right on him too.... like I said I liked him, right away.  It's been nice chatting with him.... it's been a distraction from some of the emotions I am still dealing with.  He did cancel Tinder the next day, said he found what he was looking for.....

I am still in touch with my Italian, but I am not reaching out to him, but letting him contact me.  I thought that was best.  He has some of the stress off him now, so that is good.  He has said he really wants to see me again, and also said he will come and fix some of the issues I have in my house.  So, he might be over this week.  I told him I will make dinner, and he said he can't stay.... and I said I didn't ask you to..... Men, lol..... So we will see if that happens this week.  He's been trying to come over for a couple of weeks.  

I had something happen about 3 weeks ago.  Something that totally surprised me.  My ex fiance reached out to me about his daughter.  You know the one that was always First in his life, and I wasn't?  Yes, that one.... they had a fight, and haven't talked in over a month.  She wanted him to take care of her issues, and he tried, but it didn't work out.  So, she has literally ignored him, and is keeping his grandchildren from him.  He loves those babies, and it's heartbreaking.  He wanted to know if I was still friends with her on social media, I checked, and said I think she deleted her profile.  We kept in touch the last few weeks, regarding this.... and he agreed with everything I had to say, including that she was a big part of our break up.  Well he didn't say too much until yesterday.  I had reached out to him this past week, maybe Thursday... one of those gut things again.  I had been talking to my daughter and a few friends about his situation, and I just felt the need to ask if he wanted to get together and meet for coffee, drinks, dinner, whatever..... and he got back to me fairly quickly and said he would really like that.  He then said as friends of course....and I wrote back, yes.... I wasn't saying anything to him to make him think otherwise.  I'm not a dummy.... I am still on my own journey of self discovery and feeling pretty good about it.  So late that same night he asked if I could meet him Friday, or Saturday for dinner and drinks... we both decided on Saturday out of town, part way for both of us.... well I was a nervous wreck getting ready.... even had to take half an anxiety pill.  A big part of the reason I wanted to see him, was I wanted to know it was really OVER between us.  I think he wanted to let me know everything that was going on in his life, and what was going on in mine.... I mean he still wanted to be friends on social media to see what I was doing, I knew that.... and I was about ready to delete him and his daughter when he reached out to me.  He believes as I do, there are reasons for things that happen in life.  Well, I was shocked to hear how many times he apologized to me for his behavior in the past.  He told me he didn't really think that when I had said his daughter was a big part of our breakup was legit.  But now, since she has been ignoring him completely, he realized she was.  I told him I was afraid that he would bend over backwards for her now..... he said NO, he would not ever help her and her husband as much as he had in the past.  He also apologized for not listening to me, when I tried to talk to him, that I was going through so much, and he wasn't being my partner that I needed, but the complete opposite.  He told me he still loves me, and I told him I still love him.  He had my emotions going so bad last night.... and I couldn't get to sleep when I got home.  I had to take sleeping meds.  This morning I text him about something, and no I love you, anything like that... we did do that last night before bed though....But he writes me and tells me he  still loves me, but would just like to be friends.  That he was so sorry if he gave me the wrong impression last night..... Whatever..... Oh, you mean the way you passionately kissed me like 3 times ????   I had just had a conversation with my daughter about all of this, and was on the phone with one of my best friends...when his text came through... so I wrote, We are friends, with a smile, and have a good day, with a sun.... then a little later I wrote, No worries, that is all I want right now also... well he said I'm so glad we're on the same page, and that he loves me and my family.  It's fine.... it really is..... 

I told my daughter I can't tell some of my other friends, I don't want their judgment, sorry besties.... but this was something I needed to do, for myself, part of my journey.

He said if I would of asked to meet a couple of months ago, he wouldn't, but now he felt we could.  Well I couldn't of asked then, my emotions were still very high regarding him.  I got what I needed to hear from him, He loves me, and is sorry for his behavior.  Do I think we could be together in the future, I'm not sure.  I'm just going to continue on doing my own thing.  I am not going to reach out to him much.  I might be busy with the Nerd, or the Italian.... yes, he asked me if I had been dating.  And I replied, NO, not that I haven't been asked because I have, and he said I'm sure.  But I told him I wasn't there yet.  I was healing still and I've talked to people, one of them the Italian.... but as far as a date, No.... of course I didn't tell him, that I have some in the works though.... I didn't tell him that I needed to see him for closure to move ahead.  I'm not completely sure of any of it right this minute.  I am going to take it day by day, not let any emotions get the best of me.  Focus still on my self, my health, this blog, and maybe a book... I need to love myself, completely.  I need to continue to remind myself of who I am, A child of God, who loves me unconditionally, and no man will ever compare to that love.   

I read something in a group I signed up for writers, and it really made sense.  Here it is:  

It hurts to feel disappointment, but it's worse not to tend to it, then we continue to project it onto everyone we meet.  It hurts to feel anger, and under that sadness.  For so many of us, men and women, no one has ever loved us well.  We are hungry for love, in need of support, and craving connection.  The absense of it hurts.  We all want to be seen, heard, held and loved.    

This is very true.  They say the greatest gift is LOVE.  It is also understanding, kindness, compassion when someone is hurting.  My ex fiance was hurting.  He reached out to me, and I still loved him, and recognized his pain.  

I felt it was KARMA,  Him getting what he deserved.  The princess he worshipped and adored, who suddenly treated his with such disrespect.  He woke up..... 

Oh he's been dating, he said not much most are crazy.  I told him good luck with that. Also told him, I'm a pretty tough act to follow...   I just think he's been trying to make himself feel better.  He is taking his health more seriously, even quitting some bad habits he has had for years.  I praised him for all his accomplishments.  And will continue to, as his friend, and he has to me, as well.  So, for now, this is still part of my self discovery journey.  I got what I really needed, him to recognize his wrong doing to me.  For now, that made me feel so much better inside.  I'm now crying as I write this.... I don't know exactly why, because I really don't want a relationship with him or anyone.  Not now.  I want a date here and there, I want a friend, who will be honest and understand.  

I know GOD knows what is going on right now, this very moment, and if him and I are meant to be, it will happen, but this time in the right way.  And if not, then, we will go our separate ways, and need to be ok with that.  I just want what is best for both of us.  We still love each other, that hasn't changed.  Maybe in time it will.  

I will meet new people, because I feel that is what I am ready for.  This will be part of my life he won't know of, and I don't want to know what he's doing either.  It's hurtful, and neither want that.  If there comes a day where we move apart from each other, I will deal with it then.  Jumping into a relationship isn't what we need.  We are both doing well, focusing on our own lives, for now.  

I am grateful for this opportunity to know I made a difference in his life, and I will never chase anyone for their affection.  I will stay true to my own heart, and be open to the new adventures God has planned for me.  

Be well, and remember YOU are your own best friend....listen to your intuition when it comes to those who cross your path.  We are all on this road of life.  It just takes some of us a little longer to get where we are supposed to be!