It's Been a LONG Winter

                       UNCONDITIONAL LOVE 

 

Does it even exist any more ???  Love ?  You know the kind that makes your heart beat a little faster, your hands sweaty, and that excitement of seeing that other person ?  Some days I have my doubts.  I am getting way too old to play the game.  I never really liked that part.... I remember meeting men in the bars, and a few I became involved with.  Did any of them really work out, ahhh...NO.... I know I need that attraction to someone.... I think we all do.  That is part of how we seem to fall for them.  You need a clear mind though, not one that is alcohol drenched.... been there, done that, do not want to return. So as you get older the bar scene becomes less attractive.  You focus on other things in life.  So if you are single, and make the decision you want the person to share life with... how do you meet someone?  Here we go again.... online dating.  Yes, that is how I have met some of the men I became involved with.  Do I like it, hell no.... are there many other options... not so much.  When you are older, and no bar scene, yes, you might get lucky and meet someone at work, which I did years ago... Mr. S. and it lasted almost 5 years, until he decided he wanted someone younger... and he was grieving his mother's passing, and never really dealt well with the divorce and his ex cheating, and financially screwing him over years before.  I met him while working at the credit union where I worked for almost 13 years.  We met and became friends, and eventually dated.  I thought it might work out.  

However when someone is in pain and they do nothing for themselves to get through it, that pain continues, and it effects any relationship you attempt to be in.  I still believe that was a big part of our problem.  He never wanted to attend counseling, or church.  Positive help.  I couldn't fix him, I know I tried.  I caught myself trying to be that caretaker again.  I know he loved me, he showed me in many ways.  I felt it.  I also felt something lacking.  Love for himself.  He was afraid of everything.  Lacked self confidence, no matter what I tried to do to build him up.  I loved this man.  He was not on the same page in life as I was.  That hurt, and yes, I was 12 years older than him.  I pointed this out after months of us being friends.  When he wanted to date, and yes I waited until he was divorced, and I did not sleep with him for months.  We had a great friendship, and I was content with that.  He wanted more.  He became jealous when I did have a date.  He didn't want me involved with anyone, but him.  I tried to tell him that he needed time to heal, and that wasn't going to happen right away.  After 8 months, he told me he was in love with me, and he wanted us together.  I thought I can't do this, he needed to be on his own, and eventually get out in the real world and date.  He wanted no part of that, he wanted me.  So, I gave in.  I thought what the hell, Deb.... he's a good guy with a kind heart, give this a chance.  So, I did for almost 5 years.  After the 4th year, I know he was trying to see another woman, and I caught him in lies about it.  He was usually a pretty honest man, but when a man is caught, they panic.... I'm sure woman do too.  I had never looked at his phone.... but I did when he was in the shower.  When I called him out, he about had a panic attack.  He knew I knew he was talking to this woman that I did not like, and that I knew she was after him.  A mother to his daughter's friend.  He would talk of her sometimes, and then one time she called when she knew he was with me.... the nerve of some people.... Anyway, where I am going with is this.... our relationship changed after that.  I didn't trust him anymore, and then he had a friend that was like a sick pervert and kept pushing him to go and flirt with young women.... you know college girls in yoga pants.... it was sickening.  So I tried to distance myself from him.  And then his mom died.... freak accident at home... so terribly sad.  So I hung on a little longer.... I did it for him, because he needed me.  His sister and I use to talk a lot.... she told me that she was glad I was still with him, because his family needed me.  I was the strong one.  That  day I  jumped in and helped out, no matter what.  He called me that morning very early, and told me his mom died.... he was in shock of course.  I met him at his parents home, and he begged me that day not to leave him.  So I didn't... 

Where am I going with all this.... is because I have a tendency to do whatever I can to help others in any way.  It's not a bad thing.  I did the same thing with my last relationship, the ex fiance... who I feel never really appreciated me the way he should.  I have not really dated in almost a year.  Mr Italian, kept standing me up.  The repairs he said he would make to my house never happened... and then he tells me he met someone, of course someone not an hour away... I didn't ask how.  I met him on Tinder a about 3 years ago. so maybe he went on there again...who knows... I really don't care.  I feel he wanted an F buddy, and I flat out told him, we are friends, and whatever happened years ago, is in the past.  I just didn't want that kind of relationship.  I told him I would delete his number, and he said NO, please don't... I want to still talk to you sometime... so what was I to be someone's second choice ?  I don't think so.... 

The nerd guy I was talking to, just didn't work out, I am not even sure he was who he said he was.  This is why I really despise online dating.  There were a few others that I briefly talked to.  One asked me to get him a calling card, another for money...what a joke... Delete, delete.... Well another guy I thought might work out.  we talked mostly text for months.... I told him if we were to continue talking he needed to prove he was who he said he was.... he tried to give me a story of his father passed during covid.... that's  another thing I don't even want to get into right now, because I get so pissed off...so I won't.... anyway long story, short.... he didn't show me his ID it's been weeks.... I didn't have a good feeling about this, quite a while ago.  

I've spent almost a year alone.  I've had some time with friends and family.  I spent time with my pets, my dog Koda... and my crazy cat Katerina.... my cat Mittens passed away in Feb, she was almost 21.  My biggest heartbreak was a month ago, my sweet Koda passed.  I tried to get her to the emergency vet, and she passed before I got her there.  She literally moved off the back seat of my car to right behind my seat, where she could be close to me.  My friend Micky agreed to go with me during the middle of the night.  My son Shawn had to put her in my car as she was 72 pounds, I couldn't lift her.  I am not sure what happened I think she might of had a heart attack or stroke.  She could not get up and walk.  I keep feeling guilty I didn't get her into the other vet sooner.  My heart is still broken.  She was almost 13.  She was there for me through so much in all these years. Job loss, health issues, relationships... My house feels empty.  I wrote this to myself.... I'm ok being without a man, but to be without my dog ?  Now that is heartbreaking unconditional love nothing like the romantic loves... no lies, distrust....

A  little over a month ago I went back on match.com...I wasn't going to... they kept sending me deals... finally I got one for less than $10 a month.  So I thought, ok... I wasn't even on there a week, and I matched with a more local (half hour away) guy.  A cute surfer type...lol.... we seemed to have a lot in common... up north adventures, kayaking, camping, bonfires... on the same page with what's going on in this crazy world, and the politics of it all.  Well come to find out, he was raised on a farm.  He now raises chickens.  He has a garden, even cans his own tomatoes.  He has his grandparents farm, he is living on.  He is very family orientated, and has a good heart and a kind gentle soul.  He has a sense of humor, and a very cute laugh.  We have been seeing each other now for a month.  We are dating.... No, we haven't slept together, I told him no matter how cute he is... we are not there yet.  He's a little older than me, not much.  My kids seem to like that... you know he's not 12 years younger... I think he has his feet on the ground a stable human being, who has been screwed around by women in the last few years, just as I have been by men.  He asked me yesterday, about this blog and why I haven't wrote, and who can see it, and did I write about him yet???  I told him, NO, not yet, and that I needed to make the time to write.  Get off telegram, and other social media and spend some quality time with myself... so that's what I am trying to do, before I go clean a house.  

I feel I am finally ready to explore a new adventure with another soul.  He said he feels God brought us together.  Yes, he believes in God, and has faith, as I do.  Another attraction feature.  When you are older, it's not all about the looks, but what is truly important is your heart.  I think he might be right.  God knows where I'm at.  This man has helped with my heartbreak of my Koda.  He's helped with getting over the others who didn't work out.  I'm not sure how long this will last.  Only God knows, I guess.  As of right now though I feel I am where I am supposed to be at this time in my life.  Time will tell, if this will turn into more.  I feel I am open to this relationship.  I know I needed this past year with myself to move on.  Not only from the ex fiance but also Mr. S.  I don't think I was really ready to be involved, or engaged, things went very fast, and I was caught up in those moments.  Then red flags were there, but I ignored them.  

I will stay praying every day for what I am to do.  I will trust God that I am where he wants me to be.  I am trying to stay positive about all the craziness in the world.  Like I said I don't want to get started on that.... 

I want to have a  good day.  I pray you are well, take care of yourself first.... and be open to new opportunities as they present themselves.