It's Been a LONG Winter

 

                Relationship ? Or just Dating? 

Well, again it's been awhile since I blogged.... Not that I wasn't feeling like I should of got on this amazing new computer and wrote my thoughts down.  I did a little journaling, and talking to friends.  Our entire country, hell the entire world is still going through the covid crap.  Sorry, I do believe it's real, it was made in a lab to destroy us, and what they can't with a virus, they are trying with a so called vaccine.  This is an experimental gene altering poison, they want us all to continue to put in our bodies, like it's no big deal.  Yes, I have very strong feelings on this.  Some of my family and close friends have followed what they thought to be right, without much research.  I pray everyday for all of them.  I have done way more research seeing how this is trying to be forced on us.  I am trying not to be worried, as I was told worry is a sin.... so I am concerned.  There have been so many disabilities caused from that toxic poison, as well as deaths.  I am so exhausted as many of you are I"m sure, from the main street media who is bought and paid for by the corrupt politicians and others with lots of bucks to influence the masses to comply with their garbage.... I am only working a few hours with a home care agency, not making much money, and they are forcing, or get tested weekly... who knows if the tests are even safe ???   I am trying to work on my own, cleaning, whatever to pay my bills.  I am praying to GOD to not mandate this!  They pushed the masks on people for the last 2 years, and now they are finally saying they do NO good... I knew that, because I read the box.... it states it, and guess what they come from China.  Like we can trust anything from them?  They were paid big money to create a virus that would kill and disrupt our lives.  

 Sorry to go off on that subject.  I feel this is creating such panic, and anxiety with so many people.  It is causing situations in relationships.  It already caused division in my family this past year.  I have had to let that go, because sometimes people show their true colors when in a certain situation.  It's sad, I don't like it, but I can not dwell on it.  

I think I am having an emotional day.  No, let me rephrase that, I KNOW I am having an emotional day.  I'm feeling somewhat like I don't know if I am where I am supposed to be or not.  I thought I did.  

It's been said by him, that we are in a relationship.  Yes, I get that.  However I feel like a virgin teen just dating.  I was fine with that for a while, but now it's been 3 months.... do we like each other or what ???  When I picked him up from the airport last week, after he went to 80 degree Florida for Christmas, and of course said he wouldn't do that in the future.... that he would be with me until after the holidays, and then maybe we would go.  Well, maybe he can go.... he might be retiring soon.  

As for me, I'll work as long as I can.  I really don't have that retirement I worked 13 years for.  I had to use it to live on, when I lost my job...and did whatever to survive.  He has told me he will take care of me, in the future.... then said do we have to be married, do I want to be married?  Whoa.... hold on..... this was about a month ago, when he was sharing all these thoughts he had about the future, his farm, his son, his life, and life with me.  He said he wants us together,  he thinks we are good together.  I do too.  However, I told him to slow down..... 

Seriously, We haven't even said I love you !  Then I start to think, is this a guy that just doesn't want to be alone, or does he really WANT me to be the one to grow old with.  Hell, we are already old...so I guess grow Older with.  

So, part of me feels, here I go again.... I know he isn't like the last guy, my ex fiance who wanted everything his way.  I pray he's not.  It's only been 3 months, and yes, we talk everyday between texts and phone calls, and see each other on the weekend.  He made a comment about that last night too, the time we spend together.  So I said well if it was summer it would be different however it is winter.  Dark at 5:20, when he is just getting home from work.  I am usually home by then.  The next day I sent a text saying maybe we could get together during the week, I would be willing to drive.... I heard nothing back...so that got me thinking.... what does he want??? 

Then I say I can come over maybe tonight, as well as see him tomorrow for the movie.... He says let's just do it tomorrow, we don't need to spend all that time driving.... wow, seriously it is a half hour each way.... that's not that big of a deal.  

But that also tells me, I am for sure not staying the night on Saturday, and going home again...like a dating teenager.  He stayed last Friday, it was New years eve.  I made dinner, we had drinks and watched football and a movie... he stayed the next day until after 6, which I did not expect.... it was nice cuddling on the couch.  

I guess what I am getting at is a very personal issue I am trying to deal with, and I don't know if I even want to talk to him about.  We have been talking about everything so far, and especially us.... where we want this to go in the future.  Like I said sometimes he gets way ahead of where we are.  I also realize this is because he has a health issue.  He has A fib.  It's a heart condition, he takes medication for, and tries to live a healthy lifestyle.  So, I know it's on his mind most of the time.  

He actually just called me, I asked if I wanted company tonight, that he would come over, do dinner and watch a movie, if I wanted.  He just didn't feel like going out. Which is fine with me.  I was making some plans in the morning, and he knew that.  He said maybe I will stay if you want, but don't want to disrupt your plans.  I can go to Horrocks maybe next week.  It's not that big of a deal.  

So, possibly he is going to be this guy I want in my future?  He said he could sense I was upset earlier.  He knows I am driving his way tomorrow, we will be doing dinner and a movie, you know a date.... he didn't want me driving 2 days in a row.  Wow,  he is thinking of me after all.  

So now maybe I should just go have a good cry and get whatever I am going through Out of my system.  I have a hard time trusting men, after being let down so much in the past.  I know my first husband did quite the number on me, my self esteem.  Made me feel like I was never good enough.  Along with sexual abuse in my past, double whammy.  

Somedays I struggle.  I don't like to admit it.  But here I am, I know I am a strong woman.  I have overcome a lot in life.  I know I pray to God, and always have and always will.  When this man and I met  on our first date he said he felt like God put us together.  He might be right, I'm not totally sure yet.  Time will tell.  

I guess he pays more attention than I thought..... He's a good guy..... a Christian man, and if he is meant to be, I think it will happen.  And maybe an adult relationship as well......  : ) 

Be Well, take the vitamins and zinc. vitamin D3, Vitamin C..... to keep away from the virus.... and pray, always pray!