It's Been a LONG Winter

Who Says It First ??? 

 Well, I've wanted to write for a while, however thought I should wait for the Love day aka Valentines Day was over.  I wanted to see how it was going to go.  A lot of thoughts have ran through my head, many times.  Some nights I don't sleep great, and where on earth did those dreams about the ex's come from ?  Especially my ex husbands, like they changed into better men.  If I had an emoji on here it would be a cross between a surprised face and a confused one, if there was such a thing.   

I think when we are in a new relationship, the ex's are in the back of our minds... they are for me anyway.  I think it's because of all the situations that I wanted to work out didn't.  And I hate to say that I start having some negative thoughts, but I do.  I blame a lot of this on my relationship in my first marriage.  Married to a man that started to demeanor me later in life.  You know, I was never pretty enough, thin enough, just never  good enough period!  My self confidence, what I did have back then wasn't the best anyway, and he just made it worse.  Some days I wondered how I stayed as long as I did.  I know God was with me, so many times.  I won't get into all that now, maybe one day, but not now.... I learned some very valuable lessons through all that.  Do Not ever let anyone steal your Joy... no matter what.  You rise above whatever it is, a be the strong bad ass woman you truly are.  

So yes, when I meet someone new and we date, I try not to think negatively, but my mind does do that.  I hate it.  I've gotten better.  I don't dwell on it, I pray on it.  I have to get to know the man first.  We are all imperfect humans.  I can honestly say now, that after almost 5 months of almost every Sat/Sun spent together, and countless texts daily, and phone calls, we are on the right road.  We do see a lot of life the same way.  Of course we are never going to agree on everything.  He does share his thoughts and feeling much more than I do.  For a man to do this is a huge deal.  Most men don't, at least from my experiences.  

We celebrated Valentines day the Sat before Feb 14.  He took me to an amazing seafood restaurant, gave me a dozen red roses, a heart shaped box of candy, and the card..... Oh yes, that card.  It said he liked hanging with me.... and that I made his world brighter... with a smile, and his name.... No love, his name signature.... Yes, that bothered me.  The card I gave him wasn't over the top or anything, I was extremely careful picking out the right card.  It had hearts on it, and said that his heart mattered to mine... I did sign it Love, Debi smiley face.  I also gave him a sentimental pewter coin, with our names engraved, and it said "you're all I need".  He really seemed to like it and put it in his pocket.  I told him it was just a little something to let you know I'm very happy to be with you.  What you do with it, is up to you.  I also got him a nice shoulder neck massager, because he's always aching... 

But that damn coin, I had my doubts later on that night if I should of gave it to him.  I thought maybe that night while we were doing our apps and drinks to have that talk, about us.... well I totally back pedaled because he spoke first.... and not exactly what I wanted to hear.  

He told me he was still getting over his ex, the one he briefly married, and she really never made a total commitment to be married.  Seemed to be more about money and her 4 kids who were most all grown up.  Too much of a story to go into, but this woman after they married ignored his texts, calls, wouldn't talk to him.... kept living her life in her own house, miles away.  He barely saw her, as she wasn't making time for him at all.  They had been married for 10 months.  

I struggled with this in my mind.... it's been over 2 years, he filed for divorce because where was that marriage going???  There were no plans for the future discussed, well only on his part, I believe.  Sounds like she had 4 very spoiled daughters, so I know how that can be.... I was going to marry a man that told me what he did for his daughter and her family was none of my business... needless to say I left before 60 days after that.... 

So I understand him and this gold digger had a on/off relationship since 2016 when they met from the same dating site I met him through.  They broke up a couple of times, I think she did... after they got back together the last time, he asked her to marry him within a few months and were married soon after.  I stalked her Facebook, and looked like she was involved within less than 3 months, to another man, I don't think the divorce that he filed, was final yet.... as she put "in a relationship"....

Why did I even do this.... look her up, get some more info...actually I'm sure he didn't know most of the stuff I saw.  She blocked him, but he stayed friends on there with one of her daughters that he became fond of.  So he could see some things... 

This takes me back to a few weeks ago when he was asking me to keep our relationship off social media.  Not to put in a relationship with him.... So here is my negative mindset again.... Does he not want this girl to see he is involved with me?  

I had put "in a relationship" but not who with.  I had said to him, It's Facebook, I don't really care... but why now did I?  He said he wanted our life to be private, which he is mostly a private person.  While looking through his ex's posts though, I saw how much they actually posted..... I also saw that I didn't know how he could even be with her, due to her belief system, it was not in sync with his at all.  Or her political views.  He is very outspoken on how he believes, and to me, that was one of the things I really liked about him.  We were on the same page.  He's been honest with me, about everything as far as I know.  Well I took off in a relationship after last weekend..... 

So, since last weekend, I've been really questioning why..... I told him yes, I felt something for him, but that I was afraid to tell a man I loved them again.  After the ex fiancee, I knew I said it way too fast, and I said it first!!!!  He immediately said it right after, but STILL....  in this new relationship we said due to so many things in both of our pasts we were going to take it slow.... and yes, we have been.  

Why do I feel like I am in competition with this woman who he married and divorced?  I don't know... I do feel it's been enough time for him to be over her though.  He said I said Love in the card....I said I signed it Love, yes... I don't know, all week I've been trying to shake this feeling.  

Part of me wanted to have a conversation and tell him I was going to put the brakes on maybe a little while.  We are going to Florida in a month together, driving there, and staying the week.  I told myself maybe things will be different by then.  

I want to get this clear, when I said maybe I am heading toward love with you, I'm just afraid.  He said he believed he was as well, but just not over the ex completely... 

Probably because he jumped into a relationship with an old girlfriend who had been stalking his Facebook, and saw he was single again.  That was a BIG mistake... usually is.... So I am proud of myself that I did not jump into bed or anything for almost a year.  I needed time to heal.  I could of been playing that game with the Italian, he sure wanted to... but he also didn't want any kind of relationship.  I didn't want to do that.   ( I talked to a few guys but never got involved).  Not anymore.  I wanted someone in my life.  

So another weekend over, and our time together was good.  Not much talking about our pasts this time though.  

I think I'm just going to give it more time and see what happens.  He had apologized for not being very romantic either...he said he wants to be.  This morning he said I want things to be right with us, maybe in Florida we can relax and "be together"

As I said I hate my mind saying RUN the other way.  I think this farmer I am falling for is a good man.  I believe he is in my life for a reason, as he believes also.  I feel really good around him.  I'm getting too old to play these games when it comes to relationships.  I know some people take longer to heal from the past.  I know in some ways I am also, from the last 2 relationships.  I loved both of those men, and believed they loved me.  

Again time will tell..... I am going to try to be positive.... but to be completely honest the Facebook relationship thing bothers me, still.... I feel he doesn't want her daughter to see anything... which if I find this out, I will need to walk away.  I am trying to tell myself, just live in the moment and enjoy it.... still difficult for me at this point.  I believe he's been honest, and if this relationship is to continue and be a healthy one, there might need to be rules.... I've listened enough about the ex, actually exs.... and yes, he's heard some of mine too.  But there comes a point, where you need to completely move on.... 

Be well, stay healthy, and thank God every day for your blessings!