Should I just Be ALONE ???

                                                Should I just be ALONE ??

First of all I need to apologize to those that are following my blog. I'm sorry that I ranted in the last post in November.  I probably should of just left it in my journal, and call it good.  Venting, it's great for the soul, however it can also be too much when blogging. I want to be positive, not negative.  So, again, I'm sorry.  

Lately I feel frustrated, over things I can't control.  I don't think of myself as a control freak, however I believe I do like to have some control.  Things such as my car breaking down again.... well, a hard lesson has been learned, that's for sure.  That mechanic that worked on my car didn't do everything he should of.  After a month of having my car in my possession, I never felt safe in it.  Always felt like it wasn't right.  I woke this past Monday with anxiety, I couldn't figure it out.  Before my car tried to stall out on me, I felt something was going to happen. I called a garage I was suggested to go to.  I got my car there that day, and it was not only checked out, but repaired, the next.   Thank you to my friend Teri for the ride home from the garage on Monday, and thank you to my friends Micky and Jerry for the ride to pick up the car on Wednesday.  I was able to get back to work that day.  I lost 2 days of income this past week.  I'm just grateful it wasn't more money.  Praying it will stay good for a while now. 

Other things I can't control..... how others treat me.  Namely the man I had been seeing.  I really don't think I am considered the girlfriend any more, considering 3 weeks ago, he wanted to break it off.  He was saying he hadn't seen me in weeks, which is true, but he had been sick.  2 weeks right after Christmas.  So, no I wasn't going to be around him.  Then, he was working on fixing up a room in his old farm house.  I told him it was fine, we could be done.  I told him how he had made me feel regarding the car situation.  He acted as if I hadn't said those words before.  Which I did at least twice, he just wasn't listening.  When I tried to have a conversation with him before Christmas when we went to dinner, (this was before I got my car back) he pretty much took over the conversation.  It was about how he felt, and then about his kid.  So I stopped talking.  Like I said he didn't want to listen. He has tried to deny what he did to me in November, that early morning phone call where he demanded his jeep back that day! 

I wish I had recorded that conversation.  He won't admit to it. 

I learned a lot from that call.  I felt he didn't care, he sure didn't love me like he said.  He also had me so upset my blood pressure was sky high.  He said he needed to light a fire under someone, that being me, like I had control over the dumb ass mechanic who had my car again. UGH!  From that day on, I became even more distant to him.  Not really wanting to spend any time with him.  I felt the holidays were coming, and I shouldn't be rude. A few months back before his surgery in May, he told me I was his family.  He said he really didn't have hardly anyone he could say that about.  Yes, he has a 27 year old son, who lives on his ex wife's couch, drinks pop, smokes cigarettes, and plays video games, and watches TV all day.  He barely leaves that apartment. He has issues, leaning towards autistic ?  He was in special ed in school, many tests, etc. done.  His ex wife refused to get him treated the proper way.  

I feel before I got involved with this man, that he hadn't paid much attention to his son.  I really think he was too busy chasing women.  I encouraged him to get more involved, to show up, to try and make time to spend with him.  He started doing that this past year.  He also finally got him to a dentist for probably 6 appointments, as this kids teeth were literally so bad!  That lazy ex wife hasn't done much for this poor kid. He basically is just there, in her one bedroom apartment.  He doesn't have a license, a job, friends.  As a mom, I do not know how she could ignore her own kid the way she has.  From what I've been told she is a cigarette smoker, big time gambling addict.  I know the man gave her over $1800 within a month after we were dating.  Her car got repossessed, so he bailed her out.  Lenders only usually do that if you haven't paid your loan for 3 months.  They really don't want the car back.  Well she never repaid him.  He said he only did it because of his son.  The kid has so much anxiety living in that environment.  He has a half sister who is an alcoholic, who comes around, and continues to make bad choices at 40.  He has another half sister that is part of the man's, who is a drug addict and mostly on the streets.  

I guess shame on me.  This man told me a lot of this on our first date, and he said " I just want to let you know what you're getting into".  I thought on that rainy drive home, Do I want to do this ???  I did like something about him.  He's handsome, seemed to be on the same page about a lot of the same things.  We all have baggage in our life.  I have a lot also.  I really didn't talk that much on that date.  Come to think of it, I don't and haven't talked nearly as much as him.  I know that might be a shock to some of you, lol.  I am also a talker.  I realized early on with him though, that he needs someone to listen. He just needs a dog.... but no, he said they don't belong in the house... WOW!    Somedays I would feel like just shut up, I've heard enough.  So, when it came to us breaking up, I was fine with it.  I told him, he was a good guy but maybe not the one for me.  Then he started back peddling.  I really was fine with not talking any more.  He complained we only texted, and didn't talk on the phone.  So I had said that he could call if he wanted to.  Well no calls, just texts.  

So, where am I now with all of this.....  I am trying to just walk away.  He texts every morning, and later in the day or night. The conversation is generic.  He got mad because of something I posted on facebook this past week. He even screen shot it... it was about friends who care for you.... well, he didn't like it, probably because when my car was stalling out on Monday, I told him.  I also told him I was again frustrated having to spend more money to get it fixed!  I told him about how much it was going to be, and all I got back was praying hands emoji.  Wow.... remember how this guy had said he would of helped me last summer take care of my car, pay for it?  Well, no offer of that again.  Did I tell you he has quite a lot of money in his bank account ??? 

He's in Florida right now, he hates winter.  We got snow soon after he left.  He hasn't had the real hot weather there though, it's been a little cool.  Of course he wants to go lay on the beach.  Well I would to if I was there.  That was another thing he had said to me, well, I want to go to Florida, and you have to work, so how's that going to go?  I told him, I am not a needy woman, go live your life.  I believe in we all have to do what makes us happy.  He also has a woman he used to date in Florida, that he played tennis with in September when he was there... He did tell me that.  I remember him telling me he made a match.com profile for Florida a few years ago.... 
Well he probably has again.  I really don't care any more.  

Like my friend Beth said regarding him responding to my car situation.  He's in Florida, he doesn't care... and she's right.  As he hasn't asked how much it cost, is it running ok now, etc..... 

Another realization, it's really all about him.  He hasn't even asked the last few days, how I am.... part of me just wants to quit responding to anything he texts.  Why do I feel somewhat sorry for him?  

I think so much of my problem a lot of the time is from abuse in my past.  I am always second guessing, did I make the right decision, say the right thing?  

I have been making a lot of notes regarding him.... I have to tell myself it's ok to move on.  I do deserve respect.  And Love, real love.  The romantic kind that you can't wait to be together again. The kisses, real ones, not the ones like your aunt gives... there isn't any passion, hardly any touching.  

I thought I could do this, but again.... I don't think I can.  I have told myself, I'm older, maybe all I need is a companion in life.  Well, it doesn't matter how old you are.  People find real love at any age.  I might even need to have sex sometimes.  It's not like 15 years ago, but it would be nice, once in a while.  It adds to a relationship, but it's not everything.  I have never been in relationship such as this.  I am not happy about it.  I am again disappointed.     I need to respect myself, and what I want.  

I am choosing to be Alone, yet again.  I might just talk to some men, and maybe date.  I am not unhappy being alone.  I like myself, finally.  After an abusive marriage, another marriage that involved alcohol and drugs, and sexual abuse as a child, I need to not play the victim.  I need to remember Who I am, a child of God, who is loved, no matter what.  

For the time being I might still entertain some of this man's messages, but yes very distant.  

He will probably tell the next woman some of the same stories he told me of his ex's.  Talk about playing the victim, he's very good at that.  I realized he is very selfish, but tries to make you believe he is generous, and kind.  This is why women have walked away from him, just part of the reason though.... I'm sure after while, he wasn't attentive to their needs either.  

It is a snowy winter day in Michigan.  I actually don't mind it.  It's still early in the morning, think I will get dressed warm, and take a walk.  I miss my dog on days like these, she was such a good walking partner.  Doesn't mean I'm going to get another dog, any time soon.  Part of me doesn't want to make that commitment.  For now, the spoiled cat is a good companion.  

Hope you are all well, be blessed.  God is working to take back our country, there is hope.  

Thank you for reading.  

With Love,  Debi