It's Been a LONG Winter

                        Be Patient, and Hopeful 

                                   

Well, again it's been awhile since I wrote.  In that timeframe, almost 3 months, quite a bit has happened.  I finally had to let my Hyndai Elantra go.... I didn't want to get a new car, only because I didn't want a car payment again.  However, many more things were wrong, and I had just dumped more money in it, in Dec, Jan, Feb, March.  It was causing me such great stress.  I woke up every day thinking is my car going to make it? I thought I could count on my neighbor who is a mechanic, and has worked on my car many times.  Well, he let me down, big time.  I finally took it elsewhere, and asked them to go through everything that was wrong. Well, too much, and the last job he did, he messed it up.  I was done.  I went to the credit union that day regarding getting a loan.  I realize money I make a lot of it can be in cash.  I have put my money in this credit union for over 40 years.  Well even though they can see all the money in my accounts, they would not give me a loan.  I have good credit too!  They wanted me to get a co-signer.  My son Shawn told me to tell them where to go... I couldn't believe it.  Well, the man that I used to be involved with, yes David had said months before that he would help me, if I needed to get a new car. 

Mr. I don't always follow through with what I say...was in Florida again. This time for a month and a half.  I told him the situation with the car, I had been telling him.  I was going to call, however I thought, why? He hasn't made any calls to me, even though he had said he wanted to. 

So I mentioned to him in a text that I might need help financially.  I said the only reason I was asking is because he had said something in Dec that he would help.  Well he wanted to give me a text lecture on our relationship.  I told him we really didn't have a relationship any longer. So he said it would be a good friend loaning me money.  Actually the thought of any of  it, made me cringe.  I didn't want his money, and his blah, blah, blah.... I had made up my mind that I was moving on from him, and even though I was willing to sign a contract, I just didn't want to.  He had said we would discuss it when he got back to Michigan.  He knew my car was in bad shape, that I didn't feel safe anymore, and I didn't know if it was going to be reliable to get me anywhere.  I don't think he cared, at all.  

Again, all about him, and what he was doing... so for weeks sending me pictures of the garage he was repairing, what he was planning, etc. In the next 3 weeks he never inquired anything about my car.  

 My son, Shawn had me go to his good friend who was a car dealer.  He had me test drive a Taurus for the weekend.  I told him I was concerned about financing.  He told me as long as my credit was good, he would get me the loan.  The Taurus was a nice car, however it had some things wrong with it.  So, I returned it, and he gave me a 2018 Impala to test drive.  I took it to Shawn after I left the dealership.  It is a very nice comfortable car.  So I told Ryan to run the financial stuff.  

I got approved! Praise God !  My payment isn't too much, and my insurance was just a little more.  So much of that stress went away!  I felt so relieved waking up in the morning knowing I had a reliable safe car to take me wherever I needed to go.  

I realized I needed more clients as I now had a car payment.  I prayed about everything, the car, the clients, the money.  I have regular clients Mon through Fri.  Somedays, twice a day.  I have also prayed that I stay healthy to do this as long as I can.  I am not relying on any man to help.  I'm tired of being let down, and disappointed.  

It was weeks, and David never asked me anything about my car, did I work anything out ?  He was home almost 2 weeks.  Nothing.... nope, he didn't care.  I posted that I was washing my new car for the first time, on Facebook on purpose.  It was for him to see.  He still didn't ask.  Wow, right?  Tells me even more about him.  

A couple of weeks ago, I sent him an email.  He had said some things to me, and wanted me to respond.  I didn't.  Not right away, and when I did I sent him an email.  He has opened this email about 7 times now.  He keeps rereading it I guess.  The words haven't changed.  I told him exactly how he had made me feel.  How for months he made me feel.  

He tried to say that he cared, and loved me.  I told him, he added to my stress level when I had borrowed his Jeep.  That he was constantly making me feel bad.  So, really I had emotionally started walking away from him last summer.  He showed his true colors, of what kind of man he is.  A selfish one.  Claims to be such a Christian, and I know none of us are perfect.  I just know if I had the kind of money he does, and a good friend asked for help, I would do it.  My friend Beth said she would to.  And it would be a gift not a loan.  

I am trying to talk to God about where I am to be.  I know I am not supposed to go back with David.  I wasn't happy.  I feel like his damn counselor.  He still texts every day, and night.  Not as much but still.  I am really being very short, and generic.  

I've thought about this.... A lot.... Do I even want a man around? I make my own money, pay my own bills, own my house, can take myself out, can do what I want when I want.  This having a man is overrated.  Like I said, I am tired of being disappointed.  I was engaged for almost a year a while ago.  I was in love with that man.  It was all about him though.  He wanted everything his way.  Sell my house,  move to Taylor... not anywhere I wanted to live.  Always do what he said regarding his family, especially his daughter.  I felt like a slave.  No way to live, that's for sure. 

So why sometimes do I think of him ?  I think it was because of the illusion of being in a relationship, and eventually married.  I just don't know.  I was with Mr. S. for almost 5 years, thought we would marry, however he totally fell apart when his mom passed away.  Then, guess he wanted someone younger than me.... oh well.  It is what it is.  

I have had not just one old boyfriend, but two in the past few months contact me.  One, I went to see, it was a good time.  But he asked when I was moving in... and told his dogs I was their new mom.  Slow down... it's been a long time  ago, of us seeing each other.  I was happy for a moment. 

The other guy I just heard from almost 2 weeks ago.  Recently divorced a couple of years ago, after being married for 13 years.  Second divorce, due to cheating.  I know he's a good guy, smart, responsible, makes good money, well actually he is now retired and traveling in his RV.  One phone conversation he was telling me to be by myself.  I told him, I am.  I briefly text with David, nothing much.  Of course he is the one always messaging me.... telling me he still cares, blah blah... so now this old boyfriend... not even sure I can call him that.  We didn't date long, maybe a couple of months.  We did go camping for a week way up north, which was so much fun.  We split because partly the distance... yes, met him online and he knew where I lived.... but said his teenage son needed him more at home.  Well soon after maybe within a year or so, he became involved with a woman who pursued him, at work.  He did call me a few times, and we went out... who knows maybe he was seeing her then.  I was just happy to see him again, because I did like him.  His boyish grin, his quest for adventure, his healthy attitude.  We never got to the I love you, but there definitely like on both sides.  He reached out to me in 2016, but I was in a relationship with Mr. S.  I texted with him, but did not ask more questions.  Guess he and this woman who he did marry weren't doing well then.  I seemed to be on his mind, from what he is now telling me, many times.  He apologized over and over, and said he was a fool for walking away from me.  That he now wants me.  Then he said oh that's right you are doing well, not being in a relationship.  He was right.  I AM.  Sometimes I might be a little lonely, but then I remember I can do whatever I want!  I don't need to ask permission, or make anyone else a priority.  

I am finally OK with this time in my life.  Mr. M... that's what I will call him, wants to come and see me in a few weeks.  That's fine.  I will know when we spend time together if I want to pursue anything.  I've been on another dating site, and am talking to a couple of men.  One for the last few months.  He sounds fun, and interesting.  Might meet him in the future.  

Oh, then there is the forbidden love of 20 years.... Mr. Up North to return from Florida in a few weeks too.  And yes, wants to see me... which I want to see him too.  It's been like a year and a half, if not more.  I will never entertain that to be anything.  I can't.  So, I won't.  

I've been trying to go to church, read my bible, listen to positive influence from Christian leaders.  I feel if God wants me with someone it will happen.  I just feel like there are many insecure men out there who need a lot of attention.  And possibly therapy.  I'm not their therapist. Yes, I will listen, but I think there comes a point where maybe you don't anymore.  Same stories.... I can't fix any of their situations in life.  I've got enough to handle my own.  I know if I ever am with another man, their faith in God has to be first, and foremost.  I am over the selfish humans out there.  

So like I said, I've done a lot of thinking on this.  For now, I am happy to be with myself.  Tomorrow after working, I am going to get a massage, a late lunch/early dinner and spend quality time with me.  I so deserve it. 

I know if I do decide to be with a man, there will need to be compromises made.  There are things that are important to me, and I will not give in on those.  I know I am getting older, and I might need companionship.  Time will tell.  For now, I will wait.  Yes, I'll see the men who want to see me.  I will not make any decisions quickly.  I will pray about the future.  I will be patient, and hopeful.  Hope you figure out what makes you happy, what is best for you.... Be well.... Debi