It's Been a LONG Winter

                          Dating, Disappointment, Disillusion 

                                               

                                                       

So where do I start, again it's been months since I wrote... Not that I haven't wanted to.  All the thoughts in my head, but just need to make the time to put them on here.  

Summer is almost over, and NO I haven't done everything I've wanted.  It's been weird weather, too cold, rainy, some hot days. I haven't kayaked enough, which I still want to try and do.  I would like to get people together to go up north and do the AuSable river.  Not sure that will happen though.  I bought myself a new bike for my birthday, so I need to get that to the bike path.  I've tried to ride it at least in my subdivision daily.  I had a brief 11 day delay, as I dog sat for a client.  That was a pain.  But I made money.  Put way too many miles over 700 on my car, going back and forth to my house to do things and check on my cat.  Only went to Lake Michigan once! I wanted to go yesterday, but the weather wasn't the best. Trying to get friends together to go.  

My brain isn't really working like it did at 6 am when I woke, I might have to save this and come back to it.  It's a cool morning in the 50's and I'm not upset about that.   

Took that break..... brain didn't want to cooperate.... aging is wonderful... lol... 

Today is Sunday, Sept. 10, 2023.  The world is still a mess, too much government corruption, still listening to Julie Green saying But God... as well as others, basically saying the same thing... God is not going to allow our world to go to Hell the way it has been since that fake president took over.  Yes, here is my political rant.  I am a grown up, an older one at that.  I never really paid much attention to politics until around Obama's second term as President.  I saw a lot of division of our people, the racial tension started up again, worst than the 50's I felt... He was trying to take Christian principals out of everything.  At first I thought when he was elected for the first term, give the guy I chance.  Yes, he was black, and many voted for him just because of that.  No, I did not vote for him.  He was an excellent speaker, very charismatic.   Easy to listen to, and some of the things he first said made sense.... anyway, what does this have to do with what we as Americans are going through now ?  Everything... there has been corruption at the highest levels of our government for years, maybe going back 100 ! You are probably asking again..... what does this have to do with dating... a lot... because when you are looking for a partner in life, the way you believe matters. You need to be on the same page.  

One of the reasons I was drawn to David, was because we were the same regarding our beliefs in the government.  After covid crap that we all went through, many people finally woke up.  Him and I matched regarding this.  We both believed in God, family, morals, values.  

After you do spend time getting to know someone though, you do get to see more.  Yes, the politics conversation got a little much. Sometimes too much.  Things with him changed.  I saw this man that really never gave me what I needed, he barely touched me.  The kisses were weak.  Like grandma kisses... do you know what I mean ?  No passion, just kisses on your lips, but nothing else.... no tongue, just blah.... I thought that would change in time, well it didn't.... and he said he had no physical desire because of heart medication he was on.... again, I thought I could handle that... well, really I didn't want to.  No matter how old you are, we all want some form of attention if we are in a relationship.  And then the car situation, and his selfish side came out.  

So here I am single again.... and trying to date.... UGH....   

I've went on let's see 3 dates in the last few weeks... have another one coming on Tues... the one on Tues will be interesting, it's with one of my clients, who is single after a 10 year relationship, my age, nice guy.  Saw him on match.com, yes, I am on there again, as they gave me a cheap price for 3 months... so that's all I am doing... I am also on stupid facebook dating, where I think most of the men are fakes, and Tinder, where yes a lot of them are fakes as well.... talked to a guy for a few weeks not long ago that turned out to be a scammer... didn't think so at first, but caught him is lies, and BS.  I was so hoping he was the real deal... but nope.... 

Let's see my dates lately .... one a younger Italian man.... I'm so drawn to Italian men... his language was beautiful, I could listen for hours... We clicked... dinner in Chelsea at an Irish pub, then a hand held walk in downtown Chelsea... I usually like taller men, he was only 5 ft 7 in.... but I made an exception... he was cute, had a sense of humor, a boyish grin, and was a very good kisser.... Yes, many kisses... so all in all the date was good.... only to find out later that he doesn't want to be a boyfriend... just a friend with benefits... I already have two of those if I want, that I know well... I told him, sorry not your girl.  That I wanted to find someone to have fun with, do things with... he said OK, but we need to see if we have chemistry... which he already said we did... then he said well, I mean sexually... funny.... whatever..... I just don't need that kind of relationship.  

I've been texting with the other Italian man I dated for a few months before I got engaged to Rich... We dated early in 2019... but he was legally still married... and grieving the loss of his son, who had killed himself.  That was tough.  I felt so horrible for him.  He is a really awesome man.  

Eventually it led to a sexual relationship.... and he was such a good kisser... literally made me dizzy a few times.  So passionate, and everything clicked between us... 

He did reach out to me at towards the end of my engagement.  He made me realize as some other friends did, I was miserable in that relationship/engagement.  I had to end it.  So much disappointment, after I had thought I found the man I wanted to grow old with.  The one that truly loved me.  Well, he wasn't who I thought he was.  I've wrote on this before, and you know what it still sucks.  My daughter said maybe I was still in love with him... I don't think it's that, but there is definitely something there.   

The chemistry between us was there from our first date.  So much changed later though.  and it was so damn DISAPPOINTING! Was it just an illusion of what I really wanted, so I made it so ?  There were red flags.... 

The Italian man is a nice guy, but like most men, would like to have sex again with me... I'm not saying I don't... I just want to be able to tell myself it's ok, and not get hooked, not want him to be a boyfriend?  He doesn't want that either... He is divorced now.  He was seeing someone and she wanted to be married.  He didn't.  I told him don't worry I don't want to marry you... I think he is like the in between guy.... I had one of those years ago... a hunky electrician named Shane.  I met him when bartending, he had a Harley-yes one of my attraction getters.... he was cute, and we dated...and more... years later he begged me to be with him, actually to marry him, and I had just started dating someone.... told me he loved me, took him a while to realize that.  

We have talked through the years, and yes I would like to see him again.  But he never seems to follow through.  Probably pay back for me turning him down 15 years ago?  More disappointment.... 

My second date in the last few months was like a pity date.... the guy wouldn't quit bugging me.  I wasn't attracted to him at all.  I went to get it over with.  I knew there wouldn't be chemistry... he did live on a lake.... so I thought why not... let's see... well nope... Nothing... and he talked and talked of his ex's... ex wives, ex girlfriends... yes, we all do that to some point, but talk of other things... I just let him talk, as I realized I totally wasn't interested.... 

My third date was yesterday afternoon.  We met at a restaurant, sat outside.  He drove 2 hours, as he said he wanted to.  We had chatted for a week, through, Tinder, and then texts and phone calls.  He lives in Florida, but is in Michigan a few months rebuilding a house for family that had a fire.  He is a retired sheriff investigator from Colorado.  He also used to do construction.  He came from a poor family of 6 kids who lived in Bay City.  He is close to my age.  He is attractive, intelligent, and interesting.  I just kept thinking about what he said on the phone before we met.  If we meet and I fall in love with him..... HUH ?  then I would need to spend 6 months in Florida with him, where he has retired to.  Well, at this point in my life that is not going to work.  I didn't tell him that exactly.  I did tell him I am still working, more part time, however I do work Mon-Fri.  He has a Harley, a beautiful bike, and I would really like to ride on that before it gets cold.  I texted him yesterday as I didn't think he was interested.  However, he texts me this morning, telling me he was, and would like to see me again, and can we please keep in touch.  I do like him he is very much a gentleman.... unlike some of the others, saying... SEX.... but.... he talked, alot.... some of it though was about his work as a sheriff... I felt like I had a front row seat to one of those crime shows.... I think he misses his job.  

There is a test I do when I look at online date profiles... I ask myself :  Would I go to bed with that ?  Most of the times the answer is NO.... On Tinder, I have over 1000 men that liked me...well, I have completely narrowed that down to maybe 30... 

I don't mean to be shallow in any way, but if I am not physically attracted to you, it's not going to work.  

The Up north man that I have had feelings for forever, is supposed to visit this month.  I asked him to help with my windows, as they might need replacing and he is a contractor.  I need his advice...Yes, there is still intense chemistry between us... I don't feel as crazy about him as I used to be though.  I've come to the realization, I just can't... I do not know if anything would ever happen the way I'd like it to, and he would like also.... but circumstances have prevented that.  He's unhappy, I can't fix it... only he can.  So I gave up on the illusion of US, a while ago.  

The old boyfriend from Howell, is still wanting me to visit again.  Even though I've invited him here... makes the excuse of his dogs... told him I have a fenced yard, they can come over too.  My cat might not be happy but she will get over it.  Must not want to see me that badly. 

I just don't know what I want anymore... wait, that's not true... I know what I want.  I want a man that looks at me with his heart, that genuinely cares about me, and what happens to me.  David kept texting me for months after I had pretty much ended our relationship.  Then in June I get a text saying he is not what I need or deserve... Bingo!  However he acted like the text he sent me, was him breaking up...when I had l done it months before.... trying to say how much he really cared about me.... No, he didn't I saw through him.  All the money he had and was selfish acting to me... 

So yes, I still want a man who is genuine... all the way around.  One who puts me first.  Who will help me with whatever I need.  Who will have my back no matter what.  Yes, in return I will do the same... Sex would be part of the relationship, eventually.  There needs to be mutual respect for each other.  Sex is just Sex, an act of physical pleasure, without the respect and care of the other person.  I don't want that.  

I am not sure if I want to be married again.  Possibly.  I do want that person who I can spend time with, enjoy things with, love again.  

I know I have said I will be alone, and yet I'm on these stupid date sites.  

I realize no matter how old we are, I think we all strive for the same.  To be loved.  I do understand though, that in order for a good relationship to happen we have to love ourself.  We have to heal from any past hurts, especially the relationships that didn't work out.  I am still doing that.  I don't really count the last guy David as much of a relationship.  I had love for him, but never fell in love with him.  There really wasn't the intimacy a relationship should have.  

As of life, I am happy.  I am grateful to be able to have my home, my new car, pay all my bills, have the good clients I do.  God is good, I have asked for him to continue to let me work, and be healthy.  Aside from a bum knee sometimes, some back pain, my carpal tunnel, and leg cramps I think I'm doing well....   Extremely thankful for my kids and grandkids and my sister who I love dearly.  Grateful for the true friends I have that I know have my back.  I have theirs as well.... have an ongoing issue with a friend for the last year, but realized sometimes people change, and there's nothing we can do.  Let them go, do what they choose.  Focus on what matters... can't change some things in life.  

Thanks for listening.... I pray God does have our world, and will soon take away the evil that is in control of so much on this earth.  

Remember that saying, Be Kind we are all fighting a battle.... you just can't see it... 

Take care... and God Bless!  

Debi  : )