It's Been a LONG Winter

                New Year, New Beginning 

Happy New Year !  Wow, 2024 already.  Just praying that this is the year we get our country back!  All of the prophets are saying so.  Yes, Jesus will return, someday, but not yet.  He is preparing all of us for what is to come.  No, this isn't going to be a bible lesson, lol....  going to try and be positive.

A lot has happened in the past year.  A lot in the last few months.  I've been meaning to write, but holidays get busy, and along with working Mon-Fri and playing catch up at my own house... or just wasn't in that mood.  Yes, it takes a mood to write.  

My last post in October was a bit depressing, sorry.  It is, actually was my reality.  

It was of my abuse that I went through, suffered through at the hands of Men. Not good men.  From my step-grandfather, my step father, my first husband, my second husband, and others.  I have learned so much.  I think being single this past year, yes even though I was still somewhat dating David last year, I was single.  There was no real relationship there.  Maybe that had to happen as well.  Learning experience for sure.  I did enjoy some times with him, early on.  But later, there was no passion, and a lot of selfishness, and control.  Felt myself just wasting my precious time with yet another man who wasn't for me.  

I have so questioned myself, my daughter said she thinks I'm still in love with my ex fiance.  I don't think I'm in love with him.  I just feel like Yes, I did fall hard for him, I said I would marry him, and I really wanted to.  But then being so totally let down again.  It is so damn hard for me to trust any man, any words they say.  Most don't follow through with the promises they tell you.  I do know one thing there was chemistry between us from our first very long date, yes, that's another story.... I felt good with him, some sense of comfort and belonging.  Well it was good while it lasted.  I really had wished it would of lasted.  But the Reality here is it didn't! He had a narcissistic side to him.  I didn't recognize it for a while.  My son Travis actually told me this.  And then I paid more attention.   So I had to walk away a month before the holidays, a year of being engaged.  It sucked.  But when I left his house, it was a relief.  

Now what I am feeling is I am so done with men like this.  I am done with the fakes on the dating sites.  The last one I communicated with for a few weeks.  Then I put my computer savvy son on the job of finding out if he was the real deal.... the man texting me wasn't.  I think so many of these guys on these sites tinder, facebook dating are not who they say they are.  Too many of them have reached out to me.  I think because I am older, they think I am so naive and stupid.  Not this girl.... I wouldn't give anyone I don't personally know any money.  You have to be a pretty good friend or family for me to do that.  What a joke some of these horror stories of these women doing that.... how desperate!  It's very sad.  I wish I had a lot of money, I would travel more, I sure as hell wouldn't be giving any of my dollars to someone I didn't know... 

I sit here on a cold snowy winter morning thinking, about what I want.  Yes, again, do I want a man?  Sometimes.  Someone to have morning coffee with, to watch a movie, to cuddle.  To have a good meal which we made together.  Go out to a nice dinner, and he pays.  Go to the movies and I can lay my head on his shoulder, hold hands when leaving.  Do I want the sex part?  Somedays.  But I don't want the drama, the grief of listening non stop to his issues.... I know we all have things we need to talk to someone about.  I get it.  But the last guy David just drained my good energy.  His family was a mess.  And I heard about it almost daily.  Oh, and the politics.... way over the top.  This man had a lot of money in the bank, just retired, had a steady income, and could of made his life better.  He even insulted the church I was attending.  Telling me his church was the right kind.... using the old hymnals, and not a band with guitars and drums.  That wasn't praising God.  Wow.... he was so judgmental I couldn't deal with it...   So, all of this has made me think, and think hard about allowing another MAN in my life.  

I have been talking through messages, texts to Dan, who I used to work with years ago.  I've always liked him, and he liked me.... but then he went another direction and got involved with a woman that used to work with us.  I knew she was bad news had been married 3 times, and was somewhat full of herself.  Well, she talked him into selling his house in Michigan, and moving to Florida.  He had quit his job awhile before I found this all out.  He had loans at the CU and would send a check.  I used to process the mail, and saw the check with both their names, and did some research on Facebook of course.... they got married in Mexico and now lived in Florida.  Well, let's say Big mistake on his part.  A few years I don't even think 4 ? He was calling me wanting to talk.  She had cheated.  Not just once, quite a lot, with her grown son's friend.... Wow, right.... I tried to be there for him.  He had to sell the property in Florida, and moved to Wisconsin with his sister.  He's still in that state, but on his own, with a dog, and a good job.  He wants to move back to Michigan but trying to find the right job.  

He wanted us to get together soon after my breakup with the fiancee.  I couldn't do it.  And he talked sex sometimes late at night through text.  I told him, there was no way I was interested at that point.  That was 3 years ago.  I still don't know if I am there.  He now wants us to go away together, stay at a resort for a weekend or so.  Not really sure I'm ready for that either.  I feel we need to spend some time together such as him and I just dating.  Distance doesn't make it easy.  He did say if I went his way he would put me up at the resort he works at.  It's a thought.  Not really wanting to drive thought about a train..... 

I just need to think though..... part of me just doesn't want to get involved with anyone.  Like I said I'm still trying to figure it out..... 

I have had 2 men who I was with in my past die this past year.   One, I was with for a few years, and had to let him go because he was one of the biggest and I mean BIGGEST liars I ever met.  I was going through a very rough time when I met him.  Around the time my mom died.  And then my aunt about 7 months later.  A very depressing time in my life.  He totally took advantage of me, emotionally, and financially.  I finally became free of him, and he moved to Texas.  He tried to call me a few times, and left me messages.  I completely wanted him to leave me alone, lose my number never wanted to hear from him ever again.  So, I didn't.  An old acquaintance of both of ours told me he had passed a year ago.  He was only 60, not sure what he died from. I read the obituary and that was nothing but lies, too.... he had gotten involved with a woman, who was probably at least 15-20 years younger and had a few kids with her.  Never married.  So I'm sure she was naive and believed all of his BS.  Wow, I thought.... still lying in death, the way you lived in life.  

The second man to hear passed was my first love.  My childhood love.  My oldest son's father.  I had not talked to him in years, probably 13 years, except when I ran into him at Walmart 3 years ago and tried to avoid him in the aisle.... He yelled my name,  and I felt because he had his elderly father with him, I would say hello.... I always liked his dad.  Poor man wasn't well, couldn't hardly remember who I was.  He had always been happy to see me in the past, and now couldn't even remember me.  Dementia... very sad.  I asked how my ex loves Mom was, and he said DEAD... oh to be so blunt, and right there in front of her husband.  I immediately felt sad, for both of them. So I quit talking to him years ago, because of a falling out we had where he lied about something, that was very traumatic.  At that time, I felt I no longer wanted him to be any part of my life.  That was hard because for years he had been a comfort zone for me.  The man that I knew when he was a 12 year old boy, that I met when I was 13 years old.  The roller skating king.  We had fun.  But he became involved in drugs at a young age soon after his brother died.  I tried to hang in there with him.  When I was 16 (he was 15) we went to a party, he did some drugs that night with his friends.  I didn't do drugs of any kind, well maybe a couple of tokes of a joint now and then, but never ever anything else.... I know it was the 70's a lot of people experimented with crazy shit.... not me.  I had a beer now and then, usually one that I would have the entire party.  I did try smoking a bit too, but only at a party.  Usually stale cigarettes that I would steal from my mother... ugh, makes me sick just thinking of it.  That night at that party, I felt strange, not myself.  I told him, his name was Denny... that I felt that way.  He said let's go upstairs and lay down.  I don't remember if I had drove there, or had a ride there.  I didn't feel well and thought resting would be best.  Well, evidently that night at that party, in his friends bedroom we had sex for the first time.  Probably wasn't his first, but it was mine.  

This story goes on to a few months later, when I wasn't having a normal period.  I had some ovarian cyst problems in the past so thought that's what I was having again.  I told my aunt, who was always my safe person.  She asked me if I could be pregnant.  I immediately told her No.... which I totally believed.  That is, until I told Denny that I was having issues.  He told me it was because I was probably pregnant.  I can't remember if that was a phone conversation, or a physical one right now.  I just felt in shock.  He said we had sex at that party !  I remember something vaguely, but thought it was a dream.  I couldn't believe it.  I lost my virginity to this boy, who yes I thought I loved, but had put something in my drink, some kind of drug, and totally took advantage of me.  I might of been a willing participant but that was not me....it was the drug!  I felt numb.  I remember telling him I needed to figure it out.  He acted like he was happy I was pregnant.  I wasn't happy,  I had plans, to be a nurse and maybe join the peace corp, you know help save the world.... but now I had to figure out how to save myself. 

This boy who was 15, and I was 16 betrayed me.  But for some reason I still loved him.  I went on to have a beautiful blue eyed perfect baby boy, who I named Nathan, means gift of God.  I broke it off with him before giving birth, and got involved with someone else, but then got back with him.... he was in jail... I remember taking our son to visit him.  He was now 16, I was 17.  Life was not easy, he was in and out of my life for years.  Too much to go into right now.  I finished school, after attending an alternative school while I was pregnant.  I kept my grades up, and went back to my regular high school, and graduated with my class.  I got talked about by some, like I was some kind of bad girl.  A lot of the girls back then were having sex, they would brag about it on a Monday, after the weekend, in the morning by their lockers at school. They were on birth control pills though.  Some were having sex way younger than 16.  The thing is they didn't become a mother.  As I did.  

Being a mom wasn't easy, I lived at home, went to college part time, and worked.  I paid my mom for babysitting, as she said it was the responsible thing for me to do.  I never married Denny.  I moved in with another guy, and we were together a few years.  I would see my son's father a little.  I was so confused back then.  He was into drugs still, so I told him I couldn't be with him.  I needed stability for my child, and myself.  Years later I would still run to him when he called.  We would be each others comfort zone.  It didn't always involve sex, sometimes it was just cuddling together in bed.  I don't know why I felt safe with him.  After my divorce from husband one, I tried to see if we could be together.... that was a mistake.  He brought a 6 pack of beer, and a pint of Captain Morgan to my house.  Our son was in the military, my other 3 kids were still with me, I think the boys were maybe young teens, and my daughter was close to 10. I couldn't have that lifestyle around my kids.  So we never totally stayed together.  He obviously still had drinking and drug issues.  Terribly sad to watch someone you do care about. 

I heard he passed away in October this past year.  My youngest son called and said he read it on facebook.  I was in a state of shock.  I felt out of sorts for days.  Inside it broke my heart.  I had to contact my son who was his son and let him know.  I did do that but told my daughter in law, as she could break it to him.  He is a cop, and I didn't know when the right time would be.  He wasn't close to his father, but had spent some time with him growing up.  He had been in touch here and there through the years.  He is nothing like his father, and I wanted it that way.  He has never done drugs, and hardly ever drank alcohol.  Is a responsible husband and father.  He called me and we talked, at that point I didn't know how his dad died, but told him I reached out to Denny's ex wife and other son, to find out.  Well weeks later his ex wife contacted me and said he died of a meth overdose.  So sad.  She told me he had gotten really bad after his dad died.  He never got out of that lifestyle.  Again, it broke my heart.  I told my son.  I do remember what my oldest son said to me in our first conversation, he told me he was sorry for my loss as well.  He knew I loved his father, he was my first love.  What a messed up situation of how he became here, but he was grateful for his life, and me as his mother.  

I know this about myself, when I love, I love deeply.  I also feel maybe this is a problem for me.  Do I fall too fast?  Too much?  I've let men treat me badly, even the first one..... he probably didn't really realize it at the time.  That he took something very valuable from me.  But in the long run, that mistake turned out to be a beautiful one.  I am thankful to God for the son he gave me, and the 3 other kids I have.  Their fathers had many problems, and I just wanted better for all of them.    

I am in tears as I write today.  Life is going way too fast.  I am getting older, and still don't know if I want to stay alone or allow a man to share this life with me.  I am enjoying the peace I have, in my own home.  I have went through quite a lot in the past over 60 years!     

Again, I am asking God to give me some direction.  I am appreciating the fact that I can still work, and support myself, and enjoy life.  I have good friends, and a wonderful family with my kids.  This year Christmas was good.  My daughter and son's fiancee finally made up from a stupid misunderstanding a few years ago.  So we were together, along with my first husband's daughter from a one night stand yes, while he was married to me.  I think she was born in 1987.  My daughter was born in 1986.  Remember I told you he was a cheater.... our family found out about her, I think 4 years ago in January.  Through ancestry.com.  My son Shawn had signed up for that, and so had she.  He did ask his dad, and he said he remembered the girl's mom.  He admitted to sexually being with her, however he did not know she had a child.  It's a sad somewhat story.  That woman that was involved with my ex husband had 6 children, 5 girls, and one boy, by many different men.  She hung out in the bars.  The good thing is all the kids were adopted.  So Camille, that is her name, didn't have a bad upbringing.  Her parents who adopted her were older.  I think they also adopted more of the kids.  They adopted their kids, not sure they had their own.  I really do like Camille.  I've gotten to know her more, and actually I love her, she is my Bonus daughter, and she has an 11 year old daughter also.  So, another bonus.  

Life is funny sometimes.  There are so many changes.  You just have to learn to roll with it.  I am trying to stay open minded about the future.  About my future, where it is going.  Here's a fact.  It is now winter.  Today is colder than yesterday.  I am finishing this on Sunday morning, because I started to be upset again thinking of someone I loved had died.  I had a dream of him last night.  I do not know why, probably because he was on my mind.  

I want to plan some kind of vacation this year.  I would like to see my oldest son and his family.  I haven't even met his youngest daughter.  She is now 3.  We facetime a few times a year, and phone calls.  His oldest is I think 8.  He has an amazing wife.  My son has went through some trauma this past year with his health. He is also a cop, on a Swat team.   I pray for him, and all of my family every day.  

The only way to get through this life is by prayer.  No matter who you pray to, a higher power I believe exists.  I remember the saying.... Life is Fragile, handle with Prayer.  So very true.  We have all become to reliant on ourselves, sometimes too much so.  I have always believed that God knows everything that is going on.  I do believe I am here because of him.  I am trying to stay focused on my faith more.  It would be nice to maybe have that man that was on that journey with me.  As I said, I am asking for his direction.  I am over so over, the men who are not good for me.  

This weekend I have been at my house, alone.  I am trying to focus of course on things I need to do while it's cold out.... which it is like minus 2 right now, ugh....we are now in winter for sure.  It's cozy inside.  If I have a man I need to have that comfort level, a true friend, not just a lover.  Someone supportive.  Less stress.  Not sure where he's at.  Guess I'd better get busy, get on my new treadmill and listen to a positive podcast, maybe a minister.  Force myself to go out and shovel again.  Yes, see that's why we need men, to shovel the snow for us....  : )

I pray that your new year is off to a great start!  A new beginning.  A life that has happiness, peace, and comfort.  

Thank you for reading..... Love,  Debi  : )